Death of the Soul
Dying while living.
How do you keep going when it feels like everything is falling apart?
How do you find the strength to continue day after day when you can’t get out of bed.
When every single day feels like the hardest day of your life.
You ask God daily how much is enough.
When is the burden too much to bear.
The weight feels too heavy.
I pray daily for my daughter.
For her healing and restoration but in the same breath is this unshakable amount of fear.
I am terrified that our story does not have a happy ending.
I want to take her home.
I don’t want to have to explain to my children why God didn’t heal their sister.
It’s difficult to stay strong in faith when it feels like the ground, you’re walking on is constantly crumbling. We take one step forward but yet 5 steps back.
Most days I pray to just be able to catch my breath. I feel like I’m running a constant marathon, and the finish line is nowhere in sight.
I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy.
Every single day I feel like my heart is ripped out of my chest and then forcefully pushed back in.
Every single day a piece of my soul dies as I cry out to God asking “Why?”
Why must I watch my child suffer and fight for her life? The bitter reminder of life cut to short by neglectful parents an angry reminder that my child is loved and cherished, yet she struggles so much.
The guilt I feel for keeping her alive is almost as much as the guilt I would feel letting her go.
No decision feels right. Both inflict pain to not only my heart but also my soul.
At moments I find myself wishing life was different. What if this life that was given to me wasn’t actually mine.
At the same moment, I walk through the hottest fire if it meant getting to be her mom all over again.
This journey has felt like a rollercoaster of emotions. The highs feel really high, but the lows feel like they never end.
At times I feel defeated. I question my capacity to even pick myself up again, but I must.
I have three other healthy kids who need me too. They need me to be strong but at times I don’t feel strong enough for myself.
Every day feels like a nightmare. Yet I am reminded when I wake up in the morning that it’s not.
Somehow, I have survived the last month of this.
If I made it through yesterday, then I think I can make it through today.
I have watched my daughter have two cardiac arrests.
Be placed on ECMO.
Stroke.
Blood clots that threaten to take her limbs.
A collapse of her left lung.
Countless sticks and pokes.
Seeing daily the bruising and battering of her small body has broken me. Seeing all the tubes and wires attached to her destroys my soul.
She is not deserving of this fate.
I have experienced more heartache in this season than in my entire life.
The only thing that keeps me going is the understanding that at the end of the storm is a rainbow.
There is always light at the end of the tunnel.
Bad times must come to an end.
