My chronic imposter syndrome crippled me for 25 years
I wrote this November 4 of last year. 15 days before I got sidetracked on a wild wild bender involving the music business, vipers, and more. I then went back into a deep depression, being the imposter again, and about 60 days ago I got back on track. I’ve updated it a bit but the original tone and content is there.
First, my bona-fides:
I learned to code when I was 13, became an independent programmer/consultant at 19. Started a consulting company in 1996, I’ve been a software exec since I was 28, been in several startups, 2 public companies, 6 successful company sales, conceived of award winning products, demonstrated innovation/delivery, cultural leadership — my strongest reference is from a former Apple C-suite exec who worked directly for Steve Jobs. My mentor was CEO of four companies, and I was his right hand in each of them.
By age 30, I had taught 25,000 developers how to be better developers.
I built a multi-million dollar seminar business on material I researched, designed, delivered, and marketed.
I have presented to two billionaires. One, Ron Perlman, was worth $15 Billion at the time. I was the one chosen by the CEO and Board to present. The other was to a Chinese billionaire in the bridge of his USS Enterprise building. The presentations were easy because they were basically visions and strategies I had been instrumental in creating and driving. Both billionaires bought our companies.
I want you to pay attention to my next sentence.
I thought that no one would hire me or it would take a long time to find a job.
In my professional career, I have never just applied for a job — it has been through people I know. Who would hire me? I didn’t keep up with my network. I suck at maintaining relationships — great at starting them. So I didn’t have the right connections (or so I thought). Oh my expertise is in old tech, so I’m not hirable. I haven’t written any blogs, etc. — so why would people hire me.
I mean seriously.
I seriously thought I could not get hired as a CTO.
A job I’ve been doing for decades.
My ex-wife always said that I didn’t know my worth. She said I should write and speak. She fell in love with me watching me speak (At Gartner events…I was the company spokesperson, she ran Analyst Relations….the rest is history)
Speaking of Gartner, the person who introduced me to my mentor is Daryl Plummer, a senior Gartner analyst and VP who bills over $25,000 per day to companies like Microsoft. He’s also one of my references.
My mentor, the one who worked directly for Steve Jobs, told me I was the smartest person he had ever worked with. He told me this repeatedly over the 16 years we worked together. Remember, this man worked for Steve Jobs directly. And he was telling me I was the smartest person he’d ever worked with. That is some strong language and I couldn’t accept his full pronouncement, I have recently begun believing he was more right than wrong. I don’t say that out of a desire to boast — but to put a stark exclamation point on the depth of my syndrome. Frankly, I’m an amazing designer — of systems, of solutions, of organizations, of anything I decided to do. I think I understand Jobs fully now, I really do. I admire him. But, I think I’m a better designer and leader because I have empathy. I just didn’t have the confidence to put myself up on the stages that he did.
Even with my most recent company, TechCXO, a consulting company with seased CxOs. I was invited by the founders to join. And I thought that the other CTOs were better than me. I operated with a mindset of fear and I clung to consulting jobs that gave me safety — even to my own detriment. (80+ hours a week coding during the height of the pandemic)
All this ended roughly last year. And I realized my capacity and capability. 2022 is when I finally broke the shackles of shame, doubt, and fear that stemmed from childhood trauma and abuse. I have written extensively on these things in other posts.
My imposter syndrome literally disappeared in my moment of clarity. As my shame and negative self image vanished, so did feeling like I was not qualified.
I now have confidence in what I do and what I am capable of. So much so that some now call me arrogant. It isn’t arrogance if it is true. And if you still think you can be wrong and learn things from people — as I do.
I now have have no more fear. No nagging self-doubts (most of the time). No feeling that you don’t belong in the club.
Here’s what I’m damn good at. And have the receipts to back it up:
I am a creator. A designer. A communicator. I write and I speak. I fix things — products, strategies, organizations, teams, drywall, artists — people. I shape, morph, and guide them. I am a translator. I am talker. I am a transformer. I turn things around. I am a teacher; evangelist if you will. I can communicate with any stakeholder/audience. And translate between them. But I can’t do that if I don’t believe in what I’m doing and the mission. And I can’t do it for unethical leaders either. (Luckily those have been few and far between.) And now, I can add poetry, singing, dancing, writing, poetry, comedy, improv, and acting to that mix.)
What I want you to realize is that if you feel like an imposter, it means you are most likely successful. You are better than you know. The negative voices in your head originate from things like parental apathy, being put down by those who were tasked with raising you up, that instructor at school that said you should change majors, your first boss who cut you down in front of everyone, etc.
Fuck them. Ignore them. They aren’t qualified to judge you. Because they don’t know you like you do.
You are successful because you have put in the work. You have shown results. And the things you are good it that got you to where you are — well don’t beat yourself up if those are stale. That is why you hire people who are current. You need fly at a higher altitude; and then shape, morph, and guide them.
The problem that most of us with imposter syndrome has is that we don’t believe the validation we’re given. Because perhaps we didn’t get that validation when we were younger. I didn’t grow up with expectations of success. My parents didn’t have the language or experience to teach me that. My mom tried. But father, well that’s another story, and, frankly, a prime driver in my negative self concept that I had. (I’ve written about that in other medium articles.)
If you suffer from chronic imposter syndrome, or you’ve overcome it, drop me a DM and tell me your story. And if you are ready, share your story of your imposter syndrome on my livestream show.
And thank all of your who have reached out to me recently as I’ve been sharing myself here, on Instagram, https://be-self-evident.com, LinkedIn. You’ve helped me be confident enough to share some of the deepest things about me.
