BREAKING NEWS: The Devil Sues Trump For Breach of Contract

Initial statements from Hell’s District Attorney

Hell (Follower of Hieronymus Bosch, Hermitage Museum, public domain)

CITY OF DIS, Hell — District Attorney Asmodeous today filed criminal charges against former president Donald Trump.

According to Asmodeous, “selling your soul is far more serious than any earthly contract. We are talking about matters of life, death, and eternal damnation. Nobody gets off with a small fine and a slap on the wrist here.”

The DA went on to list the following criminal charges:

1. Breach of contract — when people sell their souls to the Devil, they get whatever success they wish until the Prince of Darkness claims his due. Donald Trump has spent a lifetime failing at everything he has done, then asked the Devil to clean up his mess. The list of extra requests include but are not limited to: bailing him out of every business he bankrupted; destroying a professional football league because he couldn’t get a team; stiffing thousands of contractors who worked in good faith (not normally a term the Lucifer can get behind, but the lawsuits were a constant source of aggravation); scamming people with his fake university; raping his wife and molesting other women without being able to clean up his own mess…