When You’re Afraid to Hit Publish
Do it anyway
Just hit publish.
Don’t overthink it.
Don’t worry about it.
Just do it.
Seven months ago, when I was still finding my way on Medium, I feared to publish my stories because I thought no one would read them. I constantly had zero engagement in the first few weeks. It was just me, my words, and the wilderness that was the Internet.
“Am I wasting my time again?” I thought. I feared it would be just like the last time I tried blogging on WordPress.
It was only after I reminded myself why I was on Medium that I began to care less about whether people were reading or not. And to be fair, I wasn’t that serious when I was writing on WordPress. I promised myself that Medium would be different.
With this new mindset, I channeled my fear into something more productive — writing more content. If I published consistently, I would eventually grow my audience. At least, that was what I learned from the more established writers.
You know that saying, be careful what you wish for? Yeah well, turns out it’s true as fuck.
See, all I wanted was for people to read my words and feel the passion behind them. But as my audience grew, with more people reading and commenting, I got incredibly self-conscious about each story.
Before I hit the publish button, I went through an existential crisis, waging a psychological war with myself.
Was this story even good enough?
What were people going to think?
Would I sound like a whiny bitch, an asshole, or just plain boring?
Oh god, was I going to piss off the entire planet with my very ‘unladylike female opinions’?
These were real concerns I had before I hit publish almost every single time.
Sure, I don’t give a fuck what people think of me 99% of the time. But I’m still human, and sometimes I do give a fuck. Most especially when it comes to my writing craft.
My fear of publishing grew to unprecedented levels when I began writing creative nonfiction.
Don’t get me wrong, I love writing personal essays and memoirs. Not only are they my favorite things to write on Medium, but they’ve also helped me dig deeper into my life, thereby intimately knowing myself these past few months more than in the last twenty years of my life. More importantly, I keep uncovering deep-seated flaws about myself, which helps me to work on myself and become a much better person.
So yeah, creative nonfiction is amazing. But that doesn’t mean I don’t worry about the implication of publishing stories about my life on the Internet.
Am I spilling too much information? How much is too much? Where do I draw the line? Will I regret it someday? But most importantly, who the fuck cares about my life?
The first time I was truly afraid about publishing a story was back in February this year.
I only had 124 followers at the time, but I was still under a lot of pressure to publish high-quality content. I was grateful for how much I’d progressed, yet I couldn’t help but be afflicted by the thoughts of losing it all and going back to square one.
It was a pretty naive attitude, I admit. But it was all part of the process — I know that now. If you’re experiencing this, don’t feel bad. You’ll get over it the more you write and publish.
Anyway, at that time, I no longer saw writing as a hobby, but as a serious profession I wanted to do full-time. I had been writing long before Medium, yet I was only able to call myself a writer without feeling like a fraud once I came to Medium.
It was a huge transformation for me. In those few months, I felt like a completely different person. So of course, proud of my transformation, I decided to write about my journey on Medium.
I imagined the reader of the story to be the old me who was still struggling to call myself a writer, my past self who was lost and lacked the discipline to pursue her goals. If the old me read that story, I wanted it to challenge me to get off my ass and do something. This was all I thought about as I wrote about my journey. I poured my heart out, writing everything I’d learned over the few months I’d been on Medium.
By the time I finished the first draft, I had a little over five thousand words.
To say I was horrified would be an understatement.
Five thousand words? What the actual fuck.
I couldn’t publish this story, I thought. Who in their right mind would read something so long?
My longest article at the time was around two thousand words, a 10-13 minute read on Medium. Almost every article about succeeding on Medium said the sweet spot for stories was around six minutes (1000 words). Anything longer and people would toss them in the thrash like a pimp throws out his… okay, unnecessary analogy.
But that’s what the gurus told me… though there were no pimps involved.
They were right, of course. Shorter pieces tend to do well on Medium. Five thousand words were just a no-no.
Out of fear, I discarded the story in my draft folder and refused to publish it.
However, a few days later, when I had more clarity, I reread the whole thing. It was still a raw first draft with a lot of mistakes. But even then, I knew it was a damn good story.
Would I really thrash it simply because it was too long when it was so good? After a lot of contemplation, I decided to edit it and see what happens from there.
I got it down to 4000 words, which was still too freaking long, to be honest. However, revising it completely transformed it into what I believe to be my best piece of writing at that time. It would be a shame to not publish it, I thought.
Besides, this story was meant for me. What did it matter if no one read it because it was too long?
So yes, I published it, keeping in mind that not a damn soul would read a twenty-one-minute article even if I put a gun to their heads.
Holy shit, I was not prepared for the storm it caused in my notifications.
To this day, this long-ass article is my most-read story… and still the longest. I couldn’t believe it when it took off. Like, why were people even reading this long thing? What the fuck was happening?
This experience taught me a valuable lesson:
Unless I genuinely don’t want the public to read it, I will always hit publish no matter how much it scares the shit out of me.
I remind myself of this lesson every time I write something that makes me shiver to the bone from excitement and anxiety.
The more I evolve as a writer, the deeper I dig into my psyche, mining and refining my opinions, values, and beliefs. And let’s be real, some of my opinions can be quite controversial to some people, especially people from my country.
My story blasting homophobia in Ghana was an example of such controversy. I don’t believe in censorship, so I always write without fear, not for a second caring whether people will like it or not. The hesitation only comes when I have to publish, and I felt the anxiety gnawing inside me while preparing mentally for it.
My fear stemmed from the backlash I would receive for expressing an opinion considered ‘abnormal’ by most people in my country.
But then I asked myself:
Are you even a writer if your words don’t aggravate a certain group of people at least once in your life?
I’m going to write until I die, so I might as well get used to pissing some people off with my words.
What was the worst that could happen… other than all the death threats and possible imprisonment, of course?
Eh, whatever. I hit publish.
Was I terrified? Absolutely.
But I was also ready to stand by my words because I believed in what I was saying.
What happened later?
The story didn’t get a lot of attention, nor were there any hateful comments like I had expected. Well, that was anti-climactic.
I’d been stressing over nothing.
And that’s the thing. You’re probably afraid to share you writing because you worry about the negative attention it will get. Sure, you don’t think it will go viral or anything, yet you can’t help but think about that possibility either.
If you’re still new on Medium, don’t even worry about this. It will not go viral. And no one cares. I’m not trying to be rude. It’s just a fact.
Don’t be discouraged even if you think you’re a bad writer. Keep writing and keep publishing. You’ll get better with practice.
The second piece I wrote about homophobia caused me even more anxiety. This time around, the stakes were higher — I had more readers, and I was basically outing myself on the Internet while living in a country where gay people were killed for sport.
I thought about it for weeks to ensure that I would have no regrets once it was done. I also reminded myself that the last time I wrote about homophobia, the world didn’t end. If I published this one too, nothing would happen.
Never in a million years did I expect the story to be boosted. When I got the email about the Boost, I was excited. Then the implication dawned on me, and I started panicking.
People were going to see the story. So many people. Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. This was so fucking bad.
Okay, calm the fuck down, I told myself. The world wasn’t going to end, remember?
No, it didn’t end. It only brought a lot of haters in my comments. Fun times.
Anyway, it turned out I had been anxious over nothing again, because despite all the hateful comments I got, it didn’t even bother me one bit. In fact, most of these comments were so utterly ridiculous that I couldn’t stop laughing. I had to actively stop myself from replying with sarcasm to rile them up even more. Because holy smokes, people be really mad. Damn.
Seriously, guys, if you’re going to be hateful, put in more effort. On second thought, don’t. You’d be wasting your time.
I ignored the haters and focused on the positive comments. Some didn’t agree with my views, but they were respectful about it and sought to have a conversation. It was a truly enlightning experience.
Sharing this story made me grow an even thicker skin as a writer. It also taught me to be more open-minded, ready to listen to opinions that contradicted my own. And of course, I got more followers and subscribers in return.
Had I let fear hold me back from publishing, none of this would have happened.
But controversial opinions aren’t the only things I hesitate to publish. Even a story as innocent as my relationship with my hair gave me a lot to think about.
It always comes back to this:
Who the fuck cares?
No, seriously. Who fucking cares about your hair?
Do you really think your life is so interesting that people will even want to read it? Stop kidding yourself.
I almost didn’t share the story. But once I did, I realized how wrong I had been. People actually cared about what I had to say.
The thing is, you’ll never know until you publish.
Do you feel that paralyzing fear deep within your guts whenever you think about exposing your thoughts to the world?
Let it fuel you to do it anyway. It’s easier said than done, I know. But it’s not impossible. Plus, you have no choice.
Just hit publish. I’ve probably said this like two million times already. But seriously, just do it.
Even if you fear your writing isn’t good enough, share it anyway.
If you let that fear hold you back, you’ll never publish a thing, nor will you get any better.
Do you fear people will judge you for the things you write? You know you can’t please everyone, right?
The more a story sets your insides ablaze with dread, excitement, and a thousand other emotions, the more you need to publish it.
When I feel that bile in my throat as my finger hovers on the publish button, that’s when I know I have a gem of a story, and I must absolutely hit publish.
A word of caution though. You are always responsible for your words. If you can proudly stand by them no matter how controversial they are, then go for it.
However, if your only intent is to trigger people with the most inflammatory opinions you don’t even believe in, then I don’t know what to say to you.
The Internet is a vast place. Irrespective of what you say, you’re going to get people who agree with you and might want to hear more from you. They could be the vast majority, a few handfuls of people, or even half of the population. There’s at least one person out there nodding and agreeing with every word you say no matter how deranged it sounds to others.
If that’s the case, why not be yourself and write your truth? Why not talk about the things you believe in to grow a genuine audience instead of pandering to the masses while dying a little bit inside every day?
That sounds like a much better option, no?
But to do that, you just must hit publish.
