How to Confront a Friend
When I was younger, a friend of mine started dating a guy.
He was her first serious relationship, and they had much in common. He also appeared to be a very decent, nice sort of fellow, and I was glad for her.
But as their relationship progressed, she started confiding certain details to me about what was going on.
There were places where they did not see eye to eye. She had values and principles that he did not share. They were raised with different beliefs and ideas. He did not agree with some things she felt were important to her.
I could tell she really liked him, though, and because I didn’t want to say bad things about a guy I barely knew, nor hurt my relationship with my friend by suggesting she break things off with someone she cared about so much, I didn’t speak up.
Instead of telling her the full extent of my suspicions, I merely hinted at them. And then strongly urged her to confide in her parents, or an older couple, and solicit their advice.
I don’t know if she did that or not. But she continued to date the young man.
A few years later, he broke her heart.
Friends can see blind spots in our lives, just as we see blind spots in their lives.
And good friends will have hard conversations with their friends for their benefit, even at risk of hurting feelings or risking the relationship.
As a wise man once said,
Faithful are the wounds of a friend.
But sometimes friends hesitate to help each other out, due to the risk of injuring feelings or damaging the relationship — a real and fearful possibility.
I regret not being more open with my friend. But a few things I learned from that experience:
Timing
If you need to have a difficult talk with someone, it’s usually best to do it sooner rather than later. Procrastination can lead to the problem festering and growing worse.
For instance: the longer I held off advising my friend to end the relationship, the more invested she became in it, and the harder it was for me to even hint that she should reconsider.
On the other hand, some delay may be good if it’s an emotionally sensitive situation that can cool down after both parties sleep on it (as in the case of an argument that gets out of hand). Ultimately, you must use wisdom to figure out what’s best in your scenario.
Communication skills
Words, tone, and body language are critical to communicating hard truths. Truth must be communicated well for it to have the best possible chance of getting through and helping people.
Many people have unnecessarily wounded others, not because of what they said, but how they said it.
Even hard truths can be told in helpful ways, and we all could use training in communication skills, especially when it comes to learning loving confrontation.
Depth of care
Part of the reason I could not tell my friend the “ugly truth as I saw it,” so to speak, was because we were not extremely close friends.
We were great when we were together, but because of our busy schedules, our lives did not go through enough conflict and depth together to become truly close. Had she been my sister, I might have been more able to tell her the ugly truth, or even enlisted other trusted loved ones to back me up. But I did not know her other friends well, or her family or anyone else.
It was just me and her, and to be honest, a lot of the best one-on-one relationships are better when they’re grown in the context of a larger community. It’s true for friendships, and it’s true for romantic relationships as well.
The more we know and love the people who love our friends, the better we are able to know and love our friends.
Courage
There’s a time for everything: a time to mince words, and a time to bite the bullet. Sometimes you don’t know how a person will react until you just go for it.
Make preparations so that you are calm when you have the talk, and do your best to speak clearly, confidently, and kindly, but after that… you simply must speak. Unequivocally.
If I could turn back the years and redo what I did, I would be more honest with my friend. But more than that, I would spend more quality time with her. I would invite her to come into my circles of relationships more, and spend time in her circles as well.
I don’t know that it would have made a difference in her relationship with this person, but I don’t know that it wouldn’t, either.
Ready to be a Brilliant Writer?
I’ve created The Brilliant Writer Checklist to help you clarify your message, reach more readers, and change the world with your words.
