When you want to die
On suicide and 4 unlikely people in the Bible who wanted to die
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The First Time I Almost Died
When I was five or six, I nearly drowned in the neighborhood pool.
My dad saw me flailing and swam over to save me. But he wasn’t careful. In my blind panic, I choked him. Now both of us were drowning.
At that very moment, my mom was on her way out of the pool area, heading home to grab something. Later, my mom recounted to me that she felt someone tap her on the shoulder just before she exited.
When she turned, no one was there. Curious, she looked around the pool…and saw us drowning in the deep end.
She screamed for help (she couldn’t swim), and a neighbor ran over, dove into the pool and snatched my dad and me out of the water just in time.
Drowning — what I remember of it — is a horrible experience. Luckily for me, I lost consciousness halfway through the process. When I came back to consciousness, I was on dry land.
But that event taught me that suffering is worse than death.
Drowning was awful — it was pain and terror. Death, however, meant relief, unconsciousness from the pain.
The Times Thereafter
Today, I’ve gotten over my fear of water. I even swim (not well).
But I don’t think I’ve gotten over my early concepts of death and suffering.
When life gets hard (as it always does), and when it stays hard (as it often does), there’s a little voice inside that always says “don’t you wish you were dead/unconscious right now? Doesn’t that sound appealing?”
In the past, I was usually much too busy to take the voice seriously.
But when I developed a crippling health disorder, I had to fight even harder against that voice.
I was drowning again, but this time, not in water.
4 People in the Bible Who Wanted to Die
I try not to think about suicide too much, but occasionally, it rises, unbidden, to my mind. Not because I’m considering it seriously, but probably thanks to unfortunate cognitive habits formed young.
But I know that is a dangerous path to go down. So I decided to take a different direction and see what God has to teach me about suicide, through the stories of four Biblical people who wanted to die:
Jonah
Some people find the story of Jonah hilarious — not just because he gets swallowed by a giant fish, but because of the temper tantrums he throws, the way he defies God to His face, and his stunningly bad attitude toward the people he’s instructed to save.
Jonah was a prophet God sent to Ninevah, the capitol city of Assyria. Jonah’s job was to tell the people of Ninevah that God was about to destroy them and their city if they did not repent and stop their evil deeds.
But Assyria was the most powerful kingdom in the world, and Assyrians were running around killing and pillaging other nations, demanding tribute, and being all-around awful.
Unsurprisingly, Jonah is not at all interested in giving those Assyrians a chance to repent and be spared from destruction. Instead, he decides to hop on the first boat going as far as possible in the opposite direction.
But God doesn’t let people run away from him that easily.
So God sends a huge storm. At this point, Jonah knows the gig is up, so he tells the sailors to toss him overboard.
What the…?
Now, MAYBE Jonah was sorry for bringing the storm on the poor sailors, and decided to sacrifice himself for their sake (although that isn’t terribly likely, given the rest of the story).
Or maybe Jonah was counting on God to save him somehow. Which is why he had such a cavalier attitude toward the whole thing.
But on the other hand, maybe Jonah simply hated those Assyrians SO MUCH, he literally preferred to commit suicide rather than preach to them.
So the sailors toss Jonah overboard, and the storm immediately stops. Meanwhile, Jonah is swallowed by a giant fish and sits in its belly for three days and nights.
It was probably awful in there. Can you imagine?
Jonah, awash in stinky fish digestive fluid, thirsty and starving, in pitch black darkness?
I’ve never experienced this before, but I think there is a chance this is far more unpleasant even than drowning.
Now Jonah probably really wants to die, but God still doesn’t let him. Instead Jonah gets a three-night stay in the Fish Belly Inn, until he finally has enough and kinda sorta apologizes.
Apparently, God figures that’s good enough, and has the fish vomit Jonah back on dry land.
But the story doesn’t end there.
Jonah does end up going to Ninevah, a giant city that takes three days to walk through. But Jonah doesn’t even bother. He walks in on day one, announces, “Forty more days and Ninevah will be overturned!” and that’s it.
Amazingly, the Ninevites repent (why they did, I have no clue). And so God does not destroy them as threatened.
Meanwhile, Jonah’s sitting on a hill hoping to see Ninevah burn. God allows a vine to grow a kend keep Jonah shaded. Then God sends a worm to eat the vine and cause it to wither, leaving Jonah unprotected under the hot sun.
At this point, Jonah again growls at God: “I am angry enough to die!”
Then God responds (this is a paraphrase) “You care about that little vine which you had nothing to do with. Ninevah contains thousands of people, including little children. Shouldn’t I care more about them than you do about the vine?”
And that is how the story ends.
We don’t know how Jonah responded to God’s gentle rebuke. We don’t know if he still wanted to die. All we know is, Jonah wanted to die, at least twice. And both times, he didn’t.
I have to say, reading Jonah is pretty encouraging for me. Not only because his story makes me laugh (which is great for those endorphins, you know), but because it shows how patient and kind God is with even grumpy, disobedient, very flawed humans (like me).
God saved Jonah’s life with a giant fish, he kept everyone safe during that scary storm, and when Jonah ranted and raved at him, God used a worm and a vine to help him have a little more pity for the Assyrians.
Elijah
Okay, so, Jonah’s story — and his reasons for wanting to die — is kind of humorous. Or at least, bizarre.
Elijah’s story, though, is not so comedic.
Elijah was another Old Testament prophet who lived in Israel during the time of a wicked king named Ahab and his even more wicked queen, Jezebel.
Jezebel had her own gods and decided to kill all of God’s prophets, installing her own prophets and priests to worship her own gods.
During an epic showdown against the gods and priests of Jezebel, Elijah called down fire from heaven and inspired the people of Israel to turn against the queen and her idols.
In revenge, Queen Jezebel vowed to slaughter Elijah, so he ran away.
Elijah came to a broom tree, sat down under it and prayed that he might die.
“I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” Then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep. –1 Kings
But instead of scolding Elijah for losing heart (I mean, this is right after the epic calling-fire-from-heaven thing), God sends him food and water, and speaks gently with him, informing Elijah that he is not the only God-follower left, in spite of Jezebel’s murderous ways.
And after Elijah is fed and rested up, God sends him off on his next mission: to anoint a couple kings and choose his successor.
Job
Job is synonymous with suffering, for those who have any inkling of his story.
Job was a really, really, rich guy who lived in the land of Uz. He was also a really good person, caring for the poor and honoring God and all that.
But one day, Job loses all of his wealth, and all of his children. Not long after, he loses his health.
Job is miserable and his wife tells him to “curse God and die,” but he refuses, saying:
“The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord.”
A few friends come to sit with Job, and after a while they start guessing why Job is suffering so much. They decide that it’s because Job must have done something wrong and offended God, therefore he needs to confess.
Job protests his innocence, but no one listens. He cries out to God, wishing he wasn’t born, asking God to show himself so that Job can ask why He allowed this to happen.
Finally God answers Job. But not his question.
God and Job have a rather confusing (to me) conversation where God never answers the question “why did this happen to me?” and then, at the end of the book, God not only restores Job’s health and wealth, he gives him double the amount of wealth he had before, and ten more children.
Job becomes the wealthiest man in the land again…even though his specific questions are never answered.
Paul
Finally, there’s the apostle Paul.
Paul was one of early Christianity’s most deadly opponents, who ended up becoming one of its strongest preachers after a miraculous encounter with Jesus. During his frequent missionary trips to preach the gospel to the world, Paul was:
- Imprisoned
- Given 39 lashes
- Beaten with rods
- Stoned nearly to death
- Shipwrecked
- Bitten by a poisonous snake
- And much more.
In his letter to the Philippians, Paul straight up says:
I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far
But then he adds:
but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith
According to the historical record, Paul was later arrested and taken to Rome, where he was eventually martyred (likely decapitated) for his faith, sometime in the AD 60s.
What I learned from Jonah, Elijah, Job, and Paul on hopelessness, despair, and suicide
Jonah
- God does foil suicide attempts. But sometimes the ways he uses are pretty uncomfortable. Think twice before running from Him…
- We all have an important mission on earth to do, and God isn’t going to let us off the hook so easily!
- We should try not to take ourselves too seriously. What we think may be a big deal or huge injustice can look kind of funny or insignificant from another perspective.
Elijah
- When feeling hopeless, wait…things do turn around.
- We’re never alone. There are always kindred beings, even when it seems like an evil queen has murdered all the good people.
- God is not mad when we get tired or suicidal or hopeless. He’s actually quite gentle with us.
- We should try not to dwell too long on the negatives. Get some rest, eat some food, talk to God, and then move on to the next mission/task.
Job
- We may never know the answer to “why did this [tragedy, illness, condition, etc] happen to me?” But we can turn to God with our questions, anyway, like Job did.
- We are allowed to question God. We can tell him some pretty heavy, ugly stuff, like how miserable we are or how we wish we didn’t exist. He can take it.
Paul
- Sometimes dying might really be better for us, but other people still need us here on earth. We are not to be selfish and only think about what is good for ourselves. We are responsible for others too.
Final Thoughts/Why I Really Wrote This
I have to confess, there are still times I think about death. The thought usually does not stay long, thankfully. And I am hopeful that one day, they will disappear forever.
In the meantime, I find it strangely comforting that even Biblical “heroes” suffered from despondency and suicidal thoughts. (well, whether or not Jonah counts as a hero is up for debate, I suppose, ha!)
Lots of things motivate depressive/suicidal thoughts:
Sometimes it’s despair and pain — physical and mental (Job), sometimes it’s pride and anger (Jonah), sometimes it may be fear, exhaustion, a longing for something better (Elijah, Paul).
But in the end, it boils down to choice:
- Will I choose to continue fighting the temptation to take (or at least, think about taking) the “easy way out?” (Which probably isn’t easy at all, if you really think about it)
- Will I choose to keep turning to God in my anger and pain and suffering, even when he seems silent, or absent, or nonsensical?
- Will I trust him in spite of my feelings?
My answer is yes.
When Jesus was abandoned by a bunch of his followers, and he said to his disciples, “You do not want to leave too, do you?” Peter said something that echoes my current sentiments exactly:
Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.
Despair, hopelessness, suicidal thoughts will all pass away, but life with the Lord is eternal, and good.
So this article is a way to remind myself, and anyone else who comes across it:
I am still confident in this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. –Psalm 27:13–14
When you want to die
If you want to die — whether you are just kind of thinking about it, or seriously suicidal — remember that you are not alone, and there is hope.
Having suicidal thoughts is not the bigger problem. The bigger problem is succumbing to them.
We don’t need to succumb. We’ve got a compassionate, merciful, sometimes humorous, always patient God who can empathize with us and help us.
…Of course, He doesn’t always help us right away or in the way that we want him to. That’s where we have to trust him. And it’s not always a lot of fun…
but it’s better than the alternative.
There are some Bible characters who did kill themselves — Judas Iscariot and King Saul, for instance.
But what distinguishes the ones who did NOT give in to suicidal thoughts from the ones who DID is that the ones who made it brought their issues to God.
When they said “I want to die,” or when they were depressed or mad, they let God have it.
I don’t mean this in a nice spiritual way, as in: they packed up their ugly feelings and handed it to God with a bow.
I mean, they probably were crying at him, yelling at him, grouchy with Him, screaming at Him.
Of course, we have to respect God and not to treat Him like a cosmic emotional trash can. But on the other hand, there’s no point NOT being honest with him. I think, even when we’re really mad at Him, he’s willing to listen to and comfort us if we let him.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
We who suffer sometimes think there is no hope. That things will not get better. That the pain and ugliness is so bad, or has gone on for so long, that even death would be an improvement on our current state.
But suicide isn’t the answer. Because we can’t see the big picture. We don’t know how close we are to a breakthrough. It may be just around the corner.
Let’s hang in there, together 😉
Thank you for reading
If you need an anonymous, friendly stranger to talk to, or just need a little extra prayer, you can email me at sarah@thewritepurpose.com
If you are in acute distress, and need an immediate person to speak with, PLEASE call 1–800–273–8255, anytime, day or night.
*Disclaimer: Like all my more sensitive articles, this article is written based on my own experiences ONLY. I am by NO means trying to blame or shame anyone who has had suicidal thoughts, or cause pain to suicide survivors or relatives and friends who have been affected by suicide. The reasons behind suicide are many and complex, and this article does not address all of them.
Instead, this article is intended to encourage and support those whose minds work like mine — a small fraction of those who suffer from the various challenges that can lead to suicidal ideation, to be sure. If this is not you, or you find this article unhelpful, I’m terribly sorry. There are many other personal experience articles you can read online or in books that I hope will be more helpful to you, such as at The Mighty, or TWLOHA, for example. I hope you find the support you need — if I can help, let me know.
