Afraid to Open Up to the World
Writing memoir when you don’t like being the center of attention
You wish to write a memoir, but you are petrified to open your heart and soul to the world.
One would think that would be a big problem. How in the world can you write a personal story if you don’t like being the center of attention? Isn’t that the point? Thing is, it’s a common issue for beginning memoirists. In my teaching life, this concern comes up more and more frequently. But why?
Let’s think about what is motivating you to want to write a memoir. If you don’t like focusing on you, then why do you wish to open your world to strangers and reveal all those deep thoughts, all those secrets? Maybe you only think you do, and really don’t. Or maybe you think you must reveal everything and that makes you anxious and full of doubt.
All common issues.
Truth is, you don’t have to reveal everything. Only the elements of the story that further your theme. And you don’t have to be a narcissist to write a good memoir. Navel gazing, as its sometimes called, is not good memoir. In fact, don’t be a narcissist. What you want to be is vulnerable. That’s the key. Yes, it’s not easy, I know. But it is necessary.
Why is being vulnerable hard?
Many times, it’s about shame. We don’t want to open to the world a wound or an experience that is embarrassing, shows indecision, imperfections, poor judgment, or reveals the lesser sides of one’s character. But these moments are the ones that memoir readers come to the page desperately wanting, not necessarily because they’re looking for all the sordid details of a life, but because they want intimacy and authenticity, they want to know that their own experiences are relatable. They crave it. As humans, we share far more than we don’t. Readers want to be the author’s friend, their companion, and are keen to relate to whatever it is the writer reveals far more often than one might ever realize.
To get past being frightened with vulnerability and to a space that permits the real story to emerge, consider these approaches.
1. Write as if only you will read it. Pretend that story is for you alone. The more you write like this, the less you may feel self-conscious about the story. Keep doing it, over and over, until revealing becomes almost second nature.
2. Make a list of your most difficult reveals. List what is hard to talk about. The more you do this, the more one sees that many of these emotions are universal. You will see that you are not the only one, ultimately making it easier to let the reader in. Like telling a friend your secrets. Shared humanity allows us to feel less alone.
3. As your write your story, don’t complain, don’t whine. These are the elements of a narcissist. Avoid sentimentality. A good character, one that a reader can relate to has flaws. No one is perfect. No one. Allow your flaws to show. Embrace them.
Good memoir is like good fiction, minus the lies. A reader wants a good story and strong, relatable and authentic characters. And the most important character in that story is you. Don’t be afraid of you. You have a story to tell. And there’s a reason to tell it. Believe that. We are all more appealing when we open our hearts in our personal relationship and in our writing, too.
David W. Berner is the author of several award-winning books of memoir and literary fiction. His poetry collection, Garden Tools will be published in the fall of 2025 by Finishing Line Press and his award-winning novella, American Moon is due out from Regal House in 2026. He has been teaching writing for more than twenty-five years.
