Dear Quirky Creator,

Why Do You Insist On Giving Me Homicidal Tendencies?

Would you please tell me why you want me to do away with this guy you insist on putting me with in the first place? I mean, why couldn’t you give a half decent guy? Not some black heart without a sense of humor? Or a guy who can’t even own up to being an ass?

Can’t I just break up with him instead and get some goon to beat him up for being a…