ESSAY

The Quiet Weight of Exhaustion

Mental Health, Sobriety, and Life as a Writer

I shouldn’t be so tired all the time but I am.

I don’t mean normal tired. I mean — I can sleep an entire Saturday away tired. During the week, I work, come home, and get right into bed. I don’t go to sleep right away (usually), but I throw a nightgown on, climb into bed, and dive into a deep vegetative state watching shit television and playing mindless games on my iPad. Sometimes I pick up my computer to do some editing on my Medium publications and sometimes still I try doing some writing of my own.

It’s rare that my writing gets very far these days.

It’s like — I have all the time in the world yet no time at all. My housework doesn’t get done, dinner doesn’t get made, and my desire to write suffers.

I used to think it was because I liked to drink to write. But drinking creates a false reality, right? A dense cloud? I thought all my focus would come rushing back once I dipped my toes into the sobriety pool. But, no.

I also thought it had to do with my major depression. Depression has had a hold on me for as long as I can remember. When it gets bad, there is no motivation to be had. To do anything. My mental health journey has certainly been a roller…