Silent Loss: Breaking the Stigma Surrounding PAIL
BY: Tanya Parasher
Pregnancy and Infant Child Loss (PAIL) are universal taboo subjects. Bereaved parents are afraid to speak up about their childrens’ lost lives and often grieve in silence. We must lift the stigma and silence surrounding PAIL one voice at a time, and support mothers through their grieving.
You Will Get Another One was one of the many empowering pre-selected films in the 2021 Women’s Voices Now film festival, available to watch until April 11th. Kenyan Filmmaker Lydia Matata directed You Will Get Another One in hopes of raising awareness about PAIL and its effect on bereaved mothers struggling with grief. Matata follows Vivian Gaiko, a young woman who lost her two-week-old daughter in 2014. Her family and friends constantly told her “Utapata Mwingine,” which means “you will get another one” in Swahili, and encouraged her to have another baby to get over the death of her daughter. The lack of support and understanding from her community led her to suffer from depression and suicidal thoughts. The film journeys through Vivian’s recovery process and the founding of her organization, Empower Mama. With a mission to break the stigma surrounding child loss, Empower Mama allows mothers to come together and honor their losses instead of staying silent.
The documentary’s vulnerability and authenticity makes it so powerful. Watching it left me both amazed and empowered, and I knew what I had to do next — reach out to Lydia Matata and ask her about her experiences through a virtual meeting.
Lydia met Vivian two years ago before making the film You Will Get Another One. She was a freelance journalist at the time and had some experience in social media management, so Vivian had asked Lydia for some tips in managing Empower Mama.
“Once Vivian told me about what women are told when their children die (don’t worry, you will get another child), I was both shocked and saddened because it seemed like something I would have also said to a bereaved parent. Growing up, we are taught to say something when someone is going through a difficult time instead of sitting in silence — and I think in that situation, I would have just said ‘you will get another child, don’t worry’ which I then realized was insensitive,” Lydia said.
Lydia was so touched by Vivian’s story that she wrote an article on her. However, the article did not get published. So she then decided to create a film instead. Lydia was able to create an empowering documentary that is reaching international audiences.
Lydia has now been making films for around five years. Despite her successes, her experiences as a Kenyan filmmaker started off lonely — she didn’t go to film school, so she had to learn everything on her own. Secondly, being an emerging female filmmaker came with its own set of challenges.
“Those who are more experienced in technological fields are primarily male, and there were always sexual innuendos whenever I asked for help. I had once asked a male producer to help me find locations for a short fiction film I was working on and was told that the only way I would get help was if I ‘suck[ed] a lot of dicks.’ I was shocked but stayed silent because I knew that he was a powerful producer and was afraid of the recoil effect if I acted angrily,” Lydia said. She was constantly afraid that asking her male colleagues for help would lead to a transactional sexual relationship. Yet, these challenges have not stopped her from creating influential films and documentaries that advocate for social change in Kenya.
Lydia shot a film earlier this year called Sungura. “Sungura”, meaning “rabbit” in Kiswahili, is a short film about a woman with a disability who wants to buy a vibrator from a sexologist during a friend’s bridal shower. But this woman must confront other women at the party who think that she is non-sexual because she uses a wheelchair.
To capture this story, Lydia set the film in a bridal shower setting:
“In some African communities we have traditional sexologists, the word for them in my community is ‘Senga’ or Sex Auntie — they teach women and young girls about pleasure and relationships. They are also hired for bridal showers. I wanted to set my film in a bridal shower, which is a female-centric space where women can talk about their sexual desires and experiences. While it’s supposed to be a safe space, we as women don’t always create a comfortable environment for others on the basis of certain things, such as having disabilities.”
Through this short film, Lydia is determined to explore this misconception and fight ableism in her community. I am certain that Sungura will be just as authentic and powerful as Lydia’s other films, and look forward to seeing how she brings this story to life.
Watching You Will Get Another One was more than simply staring at my computer screen. It was an immersive and transportive experience — I felt as though I was sitting in a chair beside Vivian and listening to her story. I sat alongside her through her tears, her grief, and her recovery. The story is packed with passion and power — and it’s only 21 minutes long! So what are you waiting for? Get your tickets here and watch it before the film festival ends on April 11th!
Check out Lydia’s website: filmandlaundry.com
Follow Lydia on her social media: @LydiaMatata on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook
Tanya Parasher is a high school senior at Campbell Hall in Los Angeles. She is of Indian and Moroccan nationalities, and was inspired to intern with Women’s Voices Now after witnessing the inequalities of her home countries. Tanya hopes to study English and Journalism in college, and is also passionate about creative writing.
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