5 Ways to Get Your Kid Into College

Aidan Swift, PC ’21

Courtesy of Education Week

1. Offer a role on a B-tier CBS comedy to faculty member.
2. Have your kid sit on the shoulders of two smarter children, dress them up in a trench coat and hat, and smuggle them into a testing center.
3. Photoshop your kid’s face onto a college student, send to admissions officer and gaslight them into thinking they’re already enrolled.
4. Throw a tantrum when you find out you paid $200,000 for the same crime when another celebrity got it for just $50,000.
5. Just pay for a library, you cheap bastard.