Aboard JetBlue Flight Number A4K72:
Hello passengers aboard JetBlue Flight Number A4K72 to Fort Lauderdale. This is your captain speaking. First off, I want to thank you all for choosing JetBlue, America’s safest airline. Turns out every other American airline has had some sort of catastrophic disaster. When you add up all the deaths, tens of thousands of people have died in some incredibly brutal plane crashes. And in planes just like this one! Did you know that? I didn’t, but it sure makes me glad to be a pilot with JetBlue. Anyways, just want to let you all know that we are encountering some unforeseen turbulence ahead. Hopefully we don’t crash! That was a joke. We anticipate arrival in Fort Lauderdale at 18:34. This has been your captain. Thank you for choosing JetBlue.
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Hello passengers aboard JetBlue Flight Number A4K72 to Fort Lauderdale. This is your captain again. The flight attendants have just informed me that I may have disturbed some of you by mentioning the history of violent plane crashes in light of the upcoming turbulence. I realize that such a juxtaposition may induce a sense of anxiety and for that I want to formally apologize. JetBlue has been America’s safest airline since 1956 and that’s not changing on my watch. So, just for the record, if this plane goes down it will not be on me. But then again, I can say with confidence that the plane won’t crash. Or, like, it could, but it’s statistically unlikely… But, to clarify my position again, I don’t know how statistical probability works so I guess I’m just saying that I don’t think the plane will go down and that if it does it won’t be because of me. This has been your captain. Thank you for choosing JetBlue.
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Hello passengers aboard JetBlue Flight Number A4K72 to Fort Lauderdale. I have heard from the flight attendants that my most recent apology failed to quell your anxieties and instead achieved the opposite effect. For that, I sincerely apologize. If it’s any consolation, I will let you all know that it’s been a very long day for me. I’m doing my best up here. I’m very tired, practically falling asleep in the cockpit, so cut me some slack. I only took this shift because Greg is on paternity leave. This has been your captain. Thank you for choosing JetBlue.
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Hello passengers aboard JetBlue Flight Number A4K72 to Fort Lauderdale. Stop fucking complaining to the flight attendants. If you have a problem with me, man the fuck up and tell me to my face. ALL I’m trying to say to you guys is that there is a POSSIBILITY that this plane might go down. You fucking pussies. This has been your captain. Thank you for choosing JetBlue.
