Apologies for these Apologies

In the boiling (simmering) random
In the run-ons
In the confident blurts

*

why do I say sorry so much
what am I apologizing for

In the blurts and coverups
apologies for these apologies
run ons through the sieve

spilt on the floor
washed away with chlorine

outcast?
the thoughtful outcast

*

with the rainbow smock
wild and brewing

anxious, frazzled
misunderstood

am I your anything at all
when I speak to you

what do you see first
female? insecure? anxious?

derivative
sex object

*

I don’t have a god
people are my god

my arms are wrapped around
your soft, warm skin
I couldn’t be closer

I want to squeeze to make it real

I make myself so small
I squeeze my eyes

to not feel like it’s just me

To hold the thing you want
to hold and not to care

*

am I under a microscope
or some distortion filter
between me and the world
with a goofy setting, a not-serious setting
people laugh at me when i’m not trying
to be funny yes I love it
but sometimes, after a while

you can’t read me but you just did

this firecracker sake is my shit
so spicy and surprising
take three reads

i never really realized it until my friend said it
he is one too, he gets it

*

To be a gooey heart
To squeeze the thing you want
to squeeze and not to care
to grasp, to own

What am I to people?

a goofball, a joke, a sex toy, a woman
I am moving at four time speed you say
I would benefit from meditation
I know

my fingers are bloody
I look like a psycho with all the band-aids
I know this too

I’m trying
I can try harder

sorry I don’t drain myself in a sieve

*

a pantomime intentional vacancy
to pantomime the vacant face
a pantomime

I think it’s going to work out for me

quick act react
what’s in the pause
what do you fill with air
what do you fill with sweat

under a microscope
in the spicy sake
in the smooch
in the filter of filtered faces

it’s all poker
reading people

who are we so afraid of
who are the people that induce
the pantomime

I’d like to thank
Trojan, like to thank
Timothee Chalamet
to thank weed, hot showers
to thank fraternities
to thank strawberry melatonin
my sisters