Girl in Sexy Devil Costume Checking IDs at Pierson Inferno is Actually Satan

I don’t know how you missed the signs, mortals. I am not a poor, overworked, underappreciated college aide. I am Satan. Beelzebub. El Diablo. Sure, I appear to you as the girl who talks just a bit too slowly in section and wreaks havoc with her off-topic questions, but I take many forms. That’s who I became for you. For that lanky, carrot-topped first-year who stepped on your toes and did not acknowledge you, I was broadway legend Chita Rivera. Chief Ronnell Higgins sees me as Tina Cohen-Chang from Glee.

There were warnings, fool. The heralds of the apocalypse are those people standing on Cross Campus with flyers about Life’s True Meaning. When they approached you, you told them you were in a rush. I know you sat on that stone slab “shooting the shit” with someone from your “FroCo group” whom it is “so good to run into” because you “feel like you never see them.” You were doing nothing but waiting for the dining hall to open at five. I digress.

Is it disturbing to see the verve with which new souls essentially push themselves into my clutches? Of course. Is there an undying, eternal pit of flame in the so called “basement” of “Pierson College?” There is literally no other reason for it to have been so hot. Do I feel proud of what I’ve done? In one sense, my mom tells me I should feel good after all that hard work. In another sense, I have a very complicated relationship with pride in my work and mistake satisfaction with complacency and laziness. What else? Have I seen the Amazon Prime series Modern Love? Yes, and it has only amplified my desire to fall in love NOW. Wait, you didn’t like it? We’re gonna have some prob — oh, you liked it, but you were just disappointed by the Tina Fey episode? Totally.

Oh, my dear ephemeral friends, If you wanted God, you should have gone to Soads.