How to Survive Midterm Season
First, leave the library. Sitting in Bass on your phone while thinking about starting your paper is not productive. Grab your books, pack up your stuff, and head back to your common room. Sit on your couch, and grab a piece of paper. Science-types say it’s helpful to write down all of your responsibilities so you can have a visual representation of what you need to do. Do that.
Throw away the paper. You don’t need it anymore. You don’t need anything, anyone. Leave a note to your suitemates. “Goodbye, my friends. I do this for God. I do this for country. I do this for Yale.” Take nothing with you except a small lighter. Go to the Saybrook courtyard and approach Entryway I. Knock six times on the door to the tempo of “We Will Rock You.” A girl holding a stolen Yale Dining mug will open the door and hand you a slip of paper. On it you will find coordinates.
Follow the coordinates to the specified location on Science Hill. Approach the building; there you will find a large bucket of gasoline. Carefully pour the gasoline around the base of the building, then use your lighter to set the building ablaze. Back up a safe distance, and watch as the Kline Biology Tower burns, along with your hopes and dreams for the semester. As your ears catch the sound of sirens and your phone buzzes with the fire alert from Chief Ronnell A. Higgins, close your eyes. Sit still, letting your ambitions burn away, and find perfect peace.
