It’s me, the Elf that is always leaving the detergent in the Laundry Room.
Hey there. First off, you’re welcome. I get it — you count on me. You spend your whole month making filthy on your sheets and dropping your clothes in the vicinity of your hamper. Once you finally muster the wherewithal to commit two hours to laundering, your mind leaves you. When you reach the depths of the basement, you realize you forgot detergent: the most essential ingredient. Then, shrouded in a halo of green and blue, you spy a container of tide pods. Or maybe it’s a jug of Gain. Either way, you see an easy way out and you take it.
You’ve probably wondered who I am, who could possibly be leaving you these supplies, the same way you wonder, “What the fuck is a dryer sheet?” Maybe you have heard that I’m your Head of College, but don’t you think a HoC would have a laundry machine in their house and no reason to leave detergent in the student laundry room? Maybe I’m a FroCo, not like your FroCo, but one of the other FroCos you don’t know as well. But they’re too busy supplying condoms and little circles of lube to care about the laundry room. Can you really imagine that?
That’s where I come in. I am the Guardian Elf, whose sole job is to make sure the laundry room always has detergent, whatever the fuck fabric softener is, and a few articles of someone’s intimates. Am I benign? Perhaps. Even if I wasn’t, would you really refuse my service? What are you going to do, not use the laundry detergent that’s already down there? Climb back to your room, only to discover you’re out of detergent anyway? You fool. You absolute imbecile.
I own you. I own this whole fucking school. You are further indebted to me with every single load you put into those sorry machines. Every time your negligence and sloth conspire for you to take from my detergent, I grow stronger. There are prices to be paid. I’ve kept records. And one day soon, I will cash in all my favors. Sleep tight, my loyal little bastards. I’ll see you next week.
