The Divine Law that Created Puberty
Passed by a joint council of angels, saints, and God himself.
To push children into adulthood through a gauntlet of body odor and self-loathing.
This act may be cited as the “Human Onset Reproduction Notice and Instructions for Early-age Ripening.” Or simply the HORNIER Act.
Sec. 1. Body Hair
An abundance of non-head hair shall grow during this time of transition. However, these follicles are meant only as a sign of bodily change and are to be removed as swiftly as possible. Braiding of any kind shall be considered a high offense.
There shall be only two exceptions to this hair-removal mandate:
Exception 1: A narrow strip of hair from the naval downward shall be preserved due to its undeniable aesthetic charm.
Exception 2: A patch of hair ought to be grown out on the chin so that, when the face is upside down, this chin hair can serve as the “head hair” for a drawn-on “second face.” This second face shall carry out all legal and business transactions.
Sec. 2. Acne
Whitehead and blackhead pimples shall punctuate the faces of ripening young adults, serving as an obvious yet vital allegory for race relations.
Blemishes shall appear most when a human’s visual likeness is to be captured for perpetuity. This clause is in place to remind humans of their inferiority to their benevolent God, as well as for His shits and giggles.
A select group of humans shall have additional acne on their backs. These blemishes, when connected with a writing implement, shall uncover the coordinates of Saint Peter and the Heavenly Gates.
Sec. 3. Sexual Urges
Note: The joint council disapproves of any surge in the sexual desires of young men and women. However, the landmark case of God v. Satan ruled that the devil has full control in the following two domains: a) humans’ sexual desires and b) humans’ inability to resist line dances. Thus, an independent assembly in Hell has decided that the mere sight of the following things shall spur the sexual urges of pubescent humans:
-Teachers
-Blindfolds
-Caramel
-Tiger print
-The word “lubricant”
-Everything else
Sec. 4. Fertility
At the onset of this transition, human females shall officially become capable of carrying a child. However, they shall STILL BE ABLE TO URINATE (see: the Two-Hole Compromise of 4550 BC).
Note: Human males were considered for the childbearing role, but a test case ultimately ruled out this option. Specifically, “It was reported that male seahorses ‘bitched for days’ when pregnant.” Despite this illuminating “Seahorse Folly,” millions of future human men are still expected to claim they “could handle it,” ignorant to the continued, voiceless bitching of their pregnant fish counterparts.
Lastly, due to the delicacy and sensitivity of “menstruation,” this is the only name by which the process shall be called. Period.
THIS ACT SHALL BE PUT IN PLACE EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY.
