Christians are Weird About Sex. In Lots of Ways.
If Christianity didn’t treat sex bizarrely at every turn, maybe many of us wouldn’t turn away. There are certain truths that lie inside of us and cannot be rewritten, by doctrine, from a pulpit, or anywhere else. I’m talking about truths that make up our identities, that tie us to ourselves in ways that go much deeper than our consciously cultivated ideologies are sometimes able. When push comes to shove, many of us listen to the unnamed calling deep within us, and let go of the assumed roles we had been attempting to fill within our organized religions.
Sexuality is something that Christendom has attempted to re-write over and over, in every way. Explicit doctrine intrudes upon the most private and personal of moments and experiences, passing judgments which steal the sacred, in our self exploration, in our expressions of affection, in our creativity and curiosity, in our individuality. Christian sexuality uses a one size fits all approach to the most intimate parts of our lives. Of course many of us balk. Our sexualities are composite reflections of our lives and our journeys: there’s so much significance in the things we are drawn to, so much meaning in our expressions. Our longings develop beyond an intricate network of our heritages, our memories, and our dreams. They don’t define us, but they help us understand who we are. What feels good. What hurts. What we want. What we reject.
And yet, the Church attempts to dictate the who, how, where, when, why and what of sex for the entire population. How many of us left because of this? Let’s take a closer look at that “Reasons for Leaving Religion” chart referenced in an earlier post.
Out of six possible reasons for leaving the faith, the researchers selected two devoted to specific sex controversies within the church — gay rights and clergy sexual abuse. Nearly a third of respondents said that Christianity’s views and treatment of gay people were an important reason for their decision to leave the faith. Nearly a fifth said the same about clergy sexual abuse.
I wonder how high the numbers would have been if the researchers had included more options, especially since “you stopped believing in the religion’s teachings” is pretty broad. How many stopped believing that sex outside of marriage is a sin? How many stopped feeling guilty for masturbating? How many stopped believing in the strict guidelines around courtship? Marriage? How many stopped viewing oral sex, sex toys, or anal sex as being shameful?
I wonder how many of the people who answered yes to the importance of a traumatic event in their lives were referring to sexual trauma. One in five women in America becomes a victim of rape. For those that identified with Christianity before their assault — how many found themselves pushed away? How many found themselves caught up in a collision between sexism in the Church and their healing processes as survivors?
The ways that Christianity is tangled up in sexuality are countless: from premarital sex to virginity, sexual attraction to masturbation, LGBTQ identities to divorce, sexual abuse to modesty to nudity, and the whole concept of sex as a taboo. How do we reconcile human nature with doctrines which are told to us by men, claiming to translate for our Creator? How do we learn to forgive ourselves when we finally stop listening?
For me, the path has been unclear, tedious, and full of regret. There is so much that I wish I knew as I became an adult. There is so much I wish I hadn’t heard and so much I wish I could go back and do better. My Christian beliefs tripped me up repeatedly — failing to equip me with the knowledge or agency to protect myself when I was at my most vulnerable. When my own sexuality awakened, and when I entered a world in which high school aged boys are often predators without even realizing that they are, I was bewildered, confused, easily cowed, and easily injured. Many influences played a part in my experiences, but the Christian faith underpinned most of them. Now, I have so much healing and unlearning to do. I have had to dedicate so much time to recovering a part of myself that should have been a pleasure and a comfort, and I resent that being taken from me.
— — — — — —
Caveat: Obviously, since Christianity is so broad, there will be swathes of Christians who are innocent of every criticism I make. This blog isn’t about criticizing ALL of Christianity, or every Christian. I wouldn’t even argue that it is about criticizing True Christianity (whatever that is…) It’s about criticizing the Christianity that I knew, loved, and lost. It’s a personal blog with a broader application. It’s a long letter to the love of my life, who is now an ex of mine. An ex that who knows, maybe I’ll find my way back to one day…
