Finding my footing: Re-discovering God after leaving Christianity, Pt. 1
The thing about finding God after leaving Christianity is, there’s no one to tell you where to look. Without the Bible, there is no rule book. Without the church, there is no community.
I’ve found that, since I cannot rely on anything external, and I have been forced to finally learn to listen to myself. It’s a scary thought. After all, I already know intimately well how flawed I can be, I already know that I am fallible and have bad judgement, and I’m not exactly a romantic figure to myself. It makes me anxious to try to rely on my own intution and understanding since, from my recollections of what I learned while I was in Christianity, these acts are egotistical, prideful, and bound for failure. But I don’t really see what other options I have.
So, life is becoming one long scavenger hunt. I figure, if God really is out there, then they must have left me enough clues to work with so that I don’t fuck things up too badly as long as I am looking closely.
I try to find God in everything, now. What are the messages they have left us? Is there cosmic meaning in nature? In current events? In coincidences? In my body, personality, intuition?
Maybe, sometimes, some of these.
Now, instead of looking in ancient texts to find the answers to what my purpose is and what is the meaning of Life and my life, I find clues in the way that I am. I see that God has made me a certain way, I learn to listen to my strengths and let them guide me towards my calling. I see that certain things feel fulfilling, empowering, and satisfying to me, without anyone needing to tell me why, and I am accepting these signals as clues. Gifts. Maybe I don’t know why I feel fulfilled by helping others or by dedicating myself to my family or by remembering to take time for self care — but maybe my job isn’t to understand everything about the world God has made. Maybe it’s just to accept it, and follow along in the right direction as best as I can.
I have shed the overall concept of “Sin,” which I never really understood that well, for a more pragmatic and intuitive concept of harm versus help. If an action or a choice seems harmful, then, I assume that God doesn’t want me to cause harm, and I do not do it. If an action or choice seems helpful, then I do it, and I hope that God is pleased. This has created a version of right and wrong that is both objective and subjective. It’s subjective in that it depends on the situation and the individuals involved to determine whether help or harm will be caused, but it’s objective in the sense that the ideas of help and harm themselves are pretty standardized.
I accept that God’s gifts heal me, I accept these as God’s gifts: Sunshine. Wind. Trees. Healthy food, long baths, spoken word poetry, punk activism, spending time with people I like and love.
I accept that there are clues to how the world works, by looking back at the world and seeing what has been working all along: Compassion, patience, wisdom, intelligence, ambition, and dedication have always served mankind well. Good guys do tend to win, humanity does seem to be bending slowly towards light, I just need to follow that path. Think about it: Equality, respect, and freedom — these are three universal indicators of a a society moving in the right direction.
Maybe it seems arrogant to say that I’m finding God on my own, in my own way, by listening to the world around me and choosing to put some faith into my own judgement calls about what I hear. But, I guess it actually feels very humbling. This way, I accept that I will never actually have the answers to the big cosmic questions. I’m not going to know everything about God’s identity or the ultimate meaning of the universe and why mankind was created, I’m probably never going to understand why people suffer like they do. I have to accept the limits of my own small mind, my own small experiences, my own tiny lifespan and my own tiny understanding. I have to trust that God gave me just enough to fulfill my own purpose, and I have to let go of everything else.
