Hanging Over 1/4/17

A Sports Recap of Yesterday, Today

Marcus Keene Announces Himself To The World:

If you have been following college basketball attentively all year, then you know who this guy is. He reminds me of a “mama there goes that man” type of player, or an ‘Uncle Drew’ just get buckets guy. All the young buck does is put the ball in the hoop. His 30.0 PPG lead the nation, and did I mention he is only 5 foot 9?? Keene has evolved into college basketball’s Allen Iverson, with better stats. (Different era I know, I know). Central Michigan is currently 15–8 overall and 5–5 in the MAC; only one game back of Ball State for control of the West Division. So, as the season progresses this will be a team to keep your eyes on because if they somehow find a way to make the tournament, Marcus Keene will finally have a fitting stage to do Steph Curry-esque Davidson things.

Michael Vick Calls It Quits:

In honor of his ‘retirement’ here’s a little highlight video of the greatest Madden player of all time:

Mark Titus Stays Woke On How UCLA has got BIG TIME Problems:

The first time I watched UCLA play basketball this year, I was enamored; maybe more so because of Bill Walton’s angelic voice, but enamored nonetheless. They are fun to watch. As a viewer/basketball fan you absolutely get your money’s worth. The problem is they play zero defense, like none, like the type of defense you expect to see in a 60 and over YMCA league and even that might be more defense then they actually play. Come tourney time this is going to be an issue. Even though I am not an expert or anything — just a self-proclaimed degenerate gambler — close games in the tourney come down to possessional basketball and I have yet to see UCLA play the type of defense that can get legitimate stops down the stretch. They might be able to scape by by getting hot from three and just running a team out of the building, but until they make legitimate changes I cannot see them making the Elite 8, especially not the Final Four which at one point in the season they seemed destined for. If I were them, I’d inquire about Bill Walton’s eligibility and see if he has any more years left…the only plausible solution at this point.

St. Louis Bans Tobacco, Matt Carpenter Might Not Be Able To Function:

Baseball continues to strip away baseball player’s first amendment right to dip Tobacco if they choose to do so. I get it, Tobacco isn’t good for you and kids shouldn’t be encouraged to start or even try it. This is a completely logical argument. Butttttttt, we are dealing with grown men here and I think baseball doesn’t know what kind of repercussions this could have on players’ games. Let us not forget when Josh Hamilton tried to quit in the middle of a baseball season and immediately forgot how to hit moving objects. Fact. From what I understand, the new CBA included some sort of ‘Grandfather’ rule where if you are already in the big leagues you might still be allowed to dip, or something like that. You’ll have to check with my fact guy Denzel on that one. Anyways, Tobacco is secretly, not really a secret though, a ‘PED’ for some players. As anybody who has played baseball with a dip in knows, it makes the game a whole lot easier for you…for whatever reason. David Ortiz hated tobacco but would throw in a hogger for every at bat because it helped him. Case Closed. The point is, now Matt Carpenter might have a personal crisis on his hands because he is the preemptive Utility Guy for the Chipmunk Cheek starting nine. *Interesting Note* I was unable to find an image that had Carpenter with a full cheek, undoubtedly a conspiracy on MLB’s part; any St. Louis Cardinals fan will back me on this piece.

Yao Ming, Friendly Space Alien, Has His Jersey Retired:

Here is ballsy James Harden jumping into the chest of friendly space alien Yao Ming:

(Reddit/NBA)

I am just happy that friendly space alien Yao Ming has obviously taught himself some form of self-control, because for a second there he looked very displeased at the beard’s actions: Almost as if he was about to squash him like a bug while concurrently eating his brain with a straw. Shout out Iron Giant.

(Reddit/NBA)

Yao Ming, part time comedian. Who knew? Here is what he’s referring to in case you don’t follow the NBA at all. Also, kind of disheartening to think how he speaks better english than the First Lady. I miss Yao, wish we had him back in the league. YAO 2020.

Warriors Get Rid Of Varejao Curse, Clinch 2017 Title:

I have never and will never be a fan of the Warriors, even if they play ‘beautiful’ basketball that would make Leonardo da Vinci quiver. They despise me and have Made Basketball Suck Again. I will say though this is by far the most important move of the entire NBA season. Since day one I have grown up believing that some athletes are just destined to never win a championship, people I like to refer to as ‘cursed’. If that player is on a roster, it is a guarantee that team will not win a championship. A little gambling intel right there.

Don’t believe me? When LeBron couldn’t get over the hump in Cleveland Vol. 1 guess who was on the roster? Anderson Varejao. When Lebron and Cleveland Vol. 2 lost to the Warriors in the 2015 Finals, guess who was on the roster? Anderson Varejao. When LeBron beat the Warriors and finally won a title in The Land, guess who was on the Warriors roster? Anderson Varejao. I can’t make this stuff up, just can’t. Some players are just cursed. A part of me feels bad for Anderson because he seems like a nice kid and good teammate, but it’s not my fault he doesn’t really know how to play basketball.

Sergio Romo Becomes Baseball’s Latest ‘Traitor’:

Considering I have been personally referring to Sergio Romo as Sergio ‘Blomo’ the last three years I don’t think Giants fans have too much to gripe about…besides the whole SF vs LA rivalry thing. Honestly, If I was a fan of the Giants I would be happy with this move. Now, instead of Romo blowing a bunch of games for them he will be doing it for the Dodgers. Romo might possibly be a double agent, purposely tanking the Dodgers bullpen in order to be waived in September and picked up by the Giants again. Would not surprise me one bit. This move is also fitting when acknowledging the Dodgers bullpen solution has been to throw money at whomever and whoever still has some wavering thought of pitching in the show. Did Magic Johnson make this decision?

Quick update: Maybe the Dodgers have come to their senses?

SOTD:

NCAAB POTD:

Pittsburgh @ Duke -15

Pick: Duke -15

Georgia @ South Carolina -8

Pick: South Carolina -8

Santa Clara @ Gonzaga -27

Pick: Gonzaga -27

Notre Dame @ North Carolina -10

Pick: Notre Dame +10

Virginia @ Syracuse +6

Pick: Virginia -6

Days Until Spring Training:

(Getty Images/BS Illustration)