Playing West Coast GM For A Day
The Epitome of, Has Spring Training Started Yet?
Seems like the new fad amongst MLB front offices is to sign players about 10–15 years past their prime. Willy Mo Pena, Bronson Arroyo, Tom Gorzelanny, I think even Corky Miller got in on the action as well. In light of this recent trend I decided that I would play GM for each West Coast team and sign one player, despite their age, that would help carry the team into October.
Los Angeles Dodgers: Milton Bradley Jr.
Was Milton’s LA tenure great? Not even close. But who are we to hold a man accountable for his past mistakes. Sure, it wasn’t a great look getting into a fight with Dodgers fans in his own stadium, only to throw a temper tantrum, storm off of the field mid pitch, rip off his jersey and hit the crowd with the double bird as he entered the dugout. True story, I was there. The Dodgers current starting OF includes Andrew Toles, Joc Pederson and Yasiel Puig. That’s sort of an issue if you want to think October big. The immediate plug is switching out Puig for Bradley; despite Bradley’s faults the guy was talented, dumb, but talented, border-line insane, but talented. Worth the risk.
Los Angeles Angels Of Anaheim: Troy Percival
First order of business, change the name of the franchise back to the Anaheim Angels and end all of this tom foolery. Second order of business, bring back Troy Percival. This guy was a walking socket, pure electricity 25 hours a day 8 days a week. Troy Percival’s diet was to just drink coffee all day and go through about 6 cans of dip, so he would fit right in with mentoring Mike Trout on how to finally behave like a baseball player. The Angels need to inject some winning culture into their clubhouse, so lets bring back the guy who closed out the only World Series they ever won.
San Francisco Giants: Rich Aurilia
This one’s pretty easy. The Giants need a 3B unless they want to stick with power hitting Eduardo Nunez who was passed over by both the Yankees and the Twins. Rich Aurilia is the easy quick fix, and despite the fact he was a SS he could of just as easily been a 3B, i.e. Cal Ripken Jr. and A-Rod. The only issue might be that in today’s game players actually have to piss into a cup, but there are ways around this issue, without a doubt. Look at Bagwell.
Oakland Athletics: Jose Canseco
Need I say more?
Colorado Rockies: Jeff Francis
The Rockies will be sneakily very good this year, like playoff good. They just need some pitching, so bringing back Jeff Francis — the only guy who ever pitches well in Colorado — makes them World Series bound. Funky little lefty who already carried them to a World Series once, so he certainly can do it again. The one problem is that last I heard Jeff Francis’s elbow was permanently separated from his body, kind of an issue. We will just send him to Germany during spring training for stem cell injections, modern science now-a-days is the real deal. He’s also a Canadian so that’s a plus.
Arizona Diamondbacks: Curt Schilling
Need I say more?
San Diego Padres: Tim Flannery
This Padres team is beyond repair. They could potentially lose all 162 games. That’s not a joke. Their payroll is about as much as what’s in my savings account, which is close to zero. Besides Hunter Renfroe, who will win Rookie of the Year — you heard it here first — there really is no one player that can turn all what is bad into good. So in this ‘rebuilding season’ as a GM I have to flip the switch and go from winning mode to selling tickets mode. So I’m going to bring back San Diego Padres icon Tim Flannery and give him the reigns as Manager. Boom. Let the rebuild begin.
Conclusion:
Shit. I’m surprised MLB team’s aren’t calling me up right now, hey St. Louis I heard a spot just opened up.
