TO: All Staff
FROM: Duncan Miles
SUBJECT: URGENT— Office Closure
Staff,
The office will be closed starting today, Monday, at 12pm and re-opening again on Thursday at 8am. As many of you know, we are dealing with a very volatile mass kombucha poisoning from our unlimited tap.
At this stage we are unsure if it came from improperly fermented kombucha, a poorly cleaned keg, or something far more nefarious — I had drinks with a few colleagues who said JamComms included us as a threat in their strategic SWOT, so I’m keeping all options open.
Regardless, the bio cleanup team we’ve hired informed us of two other large-scale kombucha poisonings in the area, and will be delayed in their cleanup due to a shortage of hazmat suits. They’ll be in on Wednesday night. Hopefully, that’ll give enough time for the smell to clear.
Floor two has been turned into a sick bay for those of you without family or partners to come take you away. We have cots, but not enough buckets to go around. Only use if absolutely necessary. It looks like a Desert Storm field hospital, if I’m honest. Please avoid if at all possible.
The floor one cafeteria will only serve pre-packaged, unseasoned food for the time being. Saltines. Basically just saltines and pepto until this passes. Catered lunch and dinner will resume once everything can be wiped down and bleached a few times.
Floor three is now considered hazardous. Stay away until you get the all clear. Our entire lower-level account execs seem to be afflicted, but taking calls. Go team! No new sales/meetings will be scheduled, accounts will just be in relationship maintenance mode and will focus on the message of how our offices may be closed, but our creativity and solutions continue to come out of us like… well, like poisoned kombucha.
Carl from HR has died, which means this week’s pay will be delayed. Sorry. We have a call into a temp agency, but honestly, it’s all a bit much right now. At the risk of sounding callous, I would like to delay our usual mourning and employee death office closure protocol until we get through the current crisis, which one of the Creative Directors called Diarrhea Saga, which was then fine-tuned by the Junior Copywriter Katie as The Diahrapture.
I’m happy to announce that Katie has been promoted to Senior Copywriter. Every storm has a silver lining.
I would also like you to know that your unlimited vacations will be unaffected by this closure, but anyone needing time outside of the Monday-Thursday time period will need to request sick time from their allotment.
Godspeed.
Duncan
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