Speak th’ language o’ walk th’ plank o’ th’ good ship Employ

Ahoy and avast Jeremy,

We be thankin’ yah fer dedicatin’ time t’ Blackbeard’s Cookie Shop, but this be yer third ‘n ’final warnin’ ‘bout our talkin’ policy. After this we shall give no quarter. In th’ hull o’ this email, find yer areas o’ non-compliance wit’ examples. Note: Our lawyers said that in order for this reprimand to remain legally compliant, the rest of this will need to be in U.S. English. See below for your infractions.

Issue: External Communications (Guests)

On 6 June 2019, when asked by a middle-aged man, “I need to use the bathroom before we visit Grandma, Jeremy. Where is it?” You pointed and replied with, “Over there.”

The proper response would be “Ye seekin’ th’ head? Aye, it be down th’ passageway ‘n port side.” The response we have provided shows both a clear sense of our brand style guide for communications, as well as our customer service policy of giving full, clear answers.

Issue: Internal Communications (Verbal)

On 8 June 2019, you arrived to work and was asked by your supervisor, “How be ye this day?” You responded with, “Fine, but I think my grandmother just told me I’m adopted.” This response was not appropriate for workplace interactions nor does it follow the language guide available in our digital workgroup. The language guide suggests the following as appropriate answers,

“Ahoy! Lookin’ forward t’ be gettin’ back on ol’ Blackbeard’s Cookie Galleon, agin.”

“Avast, the landlubbers be linin’ up for Blackbeard’s macadamia and chocolate booty. T’ the deck!”

“Shipmate Jeremy be feelin’ under th’ weather, but loot ne’er found itself. Set sail fer cookie island!”

As you can see, there are a variety of answers you can provide when asked how you are, all of which reinforce our values of teamwork, hardwork, and being at work.

Issue: Internal Communications (Digital)

On 9 June 2019, you sent a message to your supervisor with the following,

“Sorry for the late notice, but I need to call out this week. My grandmother passed away and my mom— I mean Judy— is freaking out about the adoption comment. I don’t know what to believe anymore and Ron (maybe my dad, maybe not?) won’t stop crying. Again, I’m sorry for the late notice. I’ll be back at work next week after the funeral.”

We hate the word “employer,” but as your employer we understand the need to take time off for family emergencies. That doesn’t excuse, however, abandoning our language guides. Believe it or not, the guide in the workgroup does provide counsel on this. Here is one way you could have said it:

“Sorry fer th’ late notice, but I needs t’ dock ship fer th’ week. Sailing Master Grandma got ‘er one way ticket t’ Davey Jones’ Locker ‘n me mom — I be meanin’ Judy — be freakin’ out ‘bout th’ adoption talk. I dunno wha’ t’ believe anymore ‘n Ron (maybe me Cap’n, maybe nah?) won’t stop cryin’. Again, I be sorry fer th’ late notice. I’ll be back t’ work next week aft we lower th’ Jolly Roger and send ‘er body into th’ drink one last time.”

Before your next shift, you will need to review our language guide and complete another competency test (linked below) Further infractions will result in your termination, or as our handbook refers to it, “Walkin th’ plank o the good ship employ”. We look forward to working with you further. Please respond (in Pirate speak) that you have received and acknowledge your final warning.

First Mate Carla LaFontaine
HR
Blackbeard’s Cookie Shop