Tim Dipple is an Excellent Food Sharer (a reference letter)
To Whom It May Concern,
In lieu of a cover letter, please accept this letter of reference for Timothy Dipple. I am uniquely positioned to highlight his professional abilities and personal qualities as I have known Timothy, Tim, for nearly 15 years. I have found him to be a superb food sharer and have never once thought of murdering him in his sleep.
The first thing to know is that Tim is an excellent relationship builder — people seem to gravitate toward him. I could recount the countless events he has held in his home with a very diverse group of colleagues, friends, and lovers, but I’d like to speak more personally. Tim is the type of person, who, upon entering the room, will call out your name in a lovely sing-song voice to let you know he’s there and that he’s glad you’re there too. Even if you are licking yourself in the closet while thinking about tuna water, as soon as you hear that voice, you come running. I know this for a fact.
His ability to spark creativity in a group is peerless. I remember, on one occasion, he hosted a gathering of his contemporaries for drinks and creative problem-solving. I tried to hide in the bedroom, but he coaxed me out. I’m so glad he did. Everyone was in crazy costumes (all from Tim’s costume trunk): bumble bees, ice cream cones, and pink-caped heroes were thick with revelry. I was basically a “toddler” at the time, and my “social” experiences only included the prodding, poking fingers of cherubic little children at the well-respected, but deeply flawed Wood County Animal Shelter in northwest Ohio. To my delight, everyone was friendly, letting me climb on the shoulders and sing a wanton song of catnip and cheese cubes. I was also in heat.
I’d like to now highlight his passion for improving systems. Years ago, when I was using a small plastic tray at the bottom of his stairs for my toilet, he saw space for improvement. Tim got on his computer and within days a new waste collection and disposal system was in place at the top of the stairs. The crumbled clay and plastic tray were replaced by a new natural, flushable formula in a clever rolling container. This way, my urine and feces could more efficiently be disposed of. Less smell and no more digging around with his tiny shovel! And with the new location of the container, I was able to watch him as I relieved myself. Win/win!
On a personal note, Tim loves Fleetwood Mac — LOVES THEM. He appreciates how they song construction, poetic lyricism, and ability to scratch an itch no one knew they had. I have, on many, many occasions been in the room as he gotten choked up and sung along with Landslide. The first few times this happened, I thought he was upset, when I would approach him to if he was alright, he’d always just pat me on the head and blubber, “You’re my best friend.”
Lastly, I want you to know that he lets me watch him shower.
For all of these reasons and more, I urge you to consider Tim for the role of Shift Supervisor at your Broadway and 7th St. Starbucks.
Signed,
Curtains the Cat, age 14
