We need to address the sausage re-imagining of Michelangelo’s David in the room.

To: Nicholas Quinn
From: Dina Thatcher
Subject: You Experimental Theatre Company’s “Performance” Last Night

Dear Nicholas,

I want to thank you for all your contributions to Thatched Denim. We really value you here. Most people in the office have nothing but good things to say about your work. I want to make it clear that we are not letting you go. As you may have seen, the one consistent review we receive on Glassdoor is that we’re loyal. I think that quality is what has been keeping us above 2.6 stars so consistently over the years.

However, I need to address the elephant in the room, or, rather, address the sausage “re-imagining”of Michelangelo's David, as it were. The sculpture is starting to attract flies and it needs to be picked up.

When we invited your experimental theatre company to perform at our monthly happy hour, I was expecting something more like an improv show: fun, light, easy. You’ve always described your show as being exciting and the stories were always hilarious. We thought it would be a great opportunity to both entertain our partners and highlight the outside artistic work of our staff. Clearly, I was not prepared me for what was in store.

I should gotten a clue when your troupe arrived in full-length black cloaks, and they only spoke to me in high-pitched riddles. “If the earth’s clear nectar is what one imbibes, how might she release what she holds inside?” It was weird, but I thought part of the shtick.

Then the Gregorian chant started to play and one of your castmates shot out the rented spotlight with a nerf crossbow. To be honest, I thought the shattering glass was a stage trick, and by the looks on everyone’s faces I wasn’t alone. Even one of the designers from our creative agency seemed really into it, and I think he might have been bleeding. But we weren’t meant to dwell on that moment, and the actors started whispering “Tonight we sacrifice for Gaia.” I knew I was too late to stop what was to come.

There are a number of legal issues we’ll need to address. Please remember that these do not reflect any judgement of you or your art, but considerations from the company’s lawyers.

• We are having trouble reconciling the performance with regards to our sexual harassment policy. One moment in question was the bacchanal section where the performers removed their clothes, covered themselves in coffee creamer and simulated a group sexual encounter. It was simulated, right? Either way, because no one was warned of content, no one was given the option to opt out of that experience, which puts us in a legally precarious situation. Also, had we known, we would have asked for that segment to remain clothed and nonsexual.
• The lawyers have a call out to our insurance provider regarding the liability issues relating to the self-mutilation section. I’ve already put in a request for replacement staplers for the whole office, but the potential for infection or other health-related issues due to the stapling of performers’ genitals to photos of famous American CEOs seems very high. I say this, fully understanding the need to make sacrifice for one’s art (I minored in sculpture at USC), but again, our lawyers believe this was out of what is reasonable for our office. See also: sexual harassment policy.
• Miriam in design made a point to say she appreciated that the sausages used for the David statue were not made from pork product. Our legal team, however, has strong concerns about the sanitary risk from the ensemble gently dragging the sausages across the cheeks of onlookers prior to attaching them to the statue’s frame. Not only because of the use of room temperature poultry, but the act of sharing germs by going face to face without pausing to sanitize your sausages puts us at risk for some kind of outbreak. Please confirm how the company kept the meat clean and sanitized for performance.
• While I understood the idea of bringing back an earlier element to reinforce a show’s theme, it was another potential legal issue and, to be honest, wholly inappropriate for a corporate environment, when the ensemble aggressively encouraged the audience to remove their clothing and recreate that creamer bacchanal with each other. Yes, some people joined in, however, the point is that we’ll never know if they felt coerced or pressured, or if they truly wanted to participate in a group sexual encounter at the workplace. I can hear your voice arguing that the entire Accounts team joined in, but — well, I don’t go to those meetings anymore. They may just be an outlier.
• Last, and perhaps most troubling, is that Terry in our Culture Dept has gone missing. After the lights returned and he put his clothes back on, I’m told he was spotted doing cocaine off the copier with one of the performers. This was confirmed by the machine’s output tray this morning. He is not responding to texts or calls. Can you tell your troupe that Terry’s grandmother misses him, and that she needs him to pick up her medication?

I am sure this kind of performance is more than welcomed and celebrated in your “downtown” scene. Heck, it might even be considered conservative by that culture’s standards. Call us old fashioned, but we were really just hoping for some jokes about working in an office or going to Starbucks.

Your avant garde theatre company is disinvited from future company functions and you will not be asked to help curate future events. We’ll also need to have a meeting to discuss next steps once Terry turns up.

I did appreciate the lovely thank you card the company left on my desk before leaving. It was very thoughtful.

Sincerely,
Dina Thatcher

BCC’d Marla in HR for awareness.