Make a Difference in Kids Lives
By
Coach John Brent
“Scars are souvenirs we never lose, the past is never far”-Goo Goo Dolls
There was a beautiful family of color sitting just across the room from our booth. I didn’t notice them when they came in. But what got my attention was the mother and father were speaking to their kids (four of them) with a voice of correction but also with a tone of love. I couldn’t help to stare and before I knew it, I was watching almost every word and move they were making.
The Mother was correcting one of the youngest daughters in how not to speak in disrespect to one of the other kids. The Dad was correcting one of the other daughters in how to act properly at the table. I was so impressed with this family that I had to go over after we finished eating and compliment them. They were at first a little taken aback, but after a couple of minutes they were appreciative of my words of affirmation at their parenting.
As I left the restaurant, I was more confident than before that we have hope as a nation and families to be better. Many of today’s problems can be traced back to the parents not doing their number one job after a pregnancy and birth, parenting. Being present in the lives of young people and teaching them is the biggest contribution we can have as adults to the next generation. We need to make a difference-not just coast through life waiting on our next vacation or holiday.
What has been missing in the last couple decades in our kids’ lives is a home with a mother and father, or at the least a mother and father co-parenting. Any data or research that you study about the decimation of the mental and emotional aspects of children’s life can be traced back to the male and female adult in their life. My position is simple….The decimation of the American family, no matter the race of the family, is the root cause of many of today’s issues in our society. You want to make a difference? Stop being selfish and make a child with a person you want to have a family with.
The divorce rates over the 50 years have risen every decade. The rate of the family having a mother and father in the home from the time of birth of a child until they graduate High School has falling significantly. In the 1950’s the percentage of children being in a home with both parents was over 70%. Today it is below 30%. Look at all of the societal issues that have risen over that last 70 years and this is one stat that we cannot overlook. Why are we giving up on the family and going after the individual feeling of “Me over my family’? It is a good question to ask yourself and a personal one that you must look in the mirror to find out.
We all are here for only a set amount of time. What we do with that time is up to the individual. When I think about my Great-Grandparents or Grandparents, I think of what they overcame to keep a family together. They weren’t perfect. They made many mistakes. They had plenty of reasons to split up and do what would be best for the individual. But they didn’t. They stuck it out. They stayed together and kept a stable home for their children. What they did was think of the family and the children over what they wanted to do for themselves at times. They made a difference. They set a standard.
Today half of all marriages will go to court and end a marriage that was forever and “For better or for worse”. We will make excuses and get an earful of friends or “fan club” people to give us the confidence to break up the family. We think that if we leave the unhappiness or get away from someone not treating us as well as we think we should be treated then happiness will magically appear. Almost always we get into a new relationship with high hopes and a “This is finally the one” mentality to within a few years feeling the same unhappy way. What we didn’t consider was that the issue wasn’t the marriage of the family, but the issue was with “me” not accepting what the true role of a member of a family is. It is to be self-less and have the goal of providing for the family. Not just financial, but emotional, educational, spiritual, and showing how to get through tough times without giving up. We have become a society of “Giving up”.
Do not just take up space and be a sperm donor or the person that carried a child for nine months. Be the parent that makes full sacrifice. We love to berate our kids and tell them all that we gave up for them, while at the same time making selfish decision to leave them unbalanced and unstable by our decision to leave their family unit.
I do not want to be pelted with snowballs that “all” marriages should be sustained no matter what. Of course, there is abuses and neglect, but those are miniscule compared to the marriages that are absolved due to just being selfish and wanting to move on to “greener pastures”. If anyone is being mentally or physically abused get out. But outside of that, what is the reasons people are leaving today?
I have been just as guilty as anyone else. I was once married to the birth parent of my children. We split up for reasons that I considered to be neglect. She became addicted to meth, so I fought and got custody of my kids. This wasn’t a hard decision to do in protecting them from this issue, but it still created the same type of issues not having both parents in the home parenting together. This emotionally and mentally created issues in our children that still today they are having to deal with.
Men need to take the most responsibility in this situation. Men need to lead, and men need to take the first steps in fixing any issues that come up in a marriage. Man can’t do it alone, but men need to be less selfish than we have been and make the first move to maintain the relationship. Man and woman can overcome anything in this world if they are on the same page and work together. This is what is best for your children. They see you. They see the problems. They see how you could overcome issues in this life by working together, not moving apart. We want better prepared kids for this life of difficulty because life is difficult.
As I was leaving the restaurant that day one of my daughters happened to be in a stall in the women’s bathroom. The Mother of the family I watching and admiring came into the bathroom and was speaking to someone on the phone. She said that this “Caucasian Man came over to their table and spoke to them about being happy to see them and the way they were interacting with their kids.” She was emotional and told the person on the phone how much it meant to them. I guarantee you it didn’t mean as much to them as it did to me. I had a swollen heart of hope because of them.
Do not stay silent. Pat families on the back that choose to think of their kids before themselves. Help them out when they needed it. Believe me they need it. Don’t assimilate to the world and run when things get hard. I wish I would have learned this lesson earlier in life, but now I live by it. My kids are more secure today that ever, but still have the scars of the past on their hearts. They will be better off by seeing their parents doing what is hard, than choosing what is easier at the time.
The Coach John Brent
