Can’t Fight It
Ben Folds writes the kind of songs that, upon listening, immediately makes me shed a tear. On more than one occasion, I’ve had to catch myself crying at work because I was listening to one of Folds’ emotionally poignant songs.
During our interview with the Inside Pop Podcast, I referred to Ben Folds’ Still Fighting It as a “modern day Cat’s in the Cradle” — while it’s a lofty comparison, it’s not a comparison that is taken lightly. It’s the last song that I listened to that had me openly crying in front of my computer while my co-workers weren’t around.
Perhaps it’s partially because I didn’t grow up with my biological father in my life. I really haven’t made a conscious decision to explore that deep. At least not yet. Maybe the next time I openly weep on paid time. Who knows.
This last time, I realized that I don’t have the wherewithal to ever become a father.
Still Fighting It is a bittersweet ode to Ben Folds’ son, Louis. The long and short of the story is that a father struggles with knowing that he won’t always be able to be there for his son, due to his extensive touring schedule, and will have trouble bonding with a son who will eventually have trouble bonding with his own father after growing up and going his own way. The most telling lyrics, for me, are a mention of the narrator being “a bird”, eventually telling his son that he’ll “fly away”.
I honestly don’t know if I could ever go through that. I don’t know if I could ever dedicate my life to trying to bond with someone who has adopted all of my strengths and flaws — a little version of me, knowing that after maybe 20-ish years, they’d end up going away.
And maybe that’s how my biological father plays into this: Knowing that the person whose blood I inherited ended up going away before I got a chance to ever know him in any way, shape, or form — I don’t know if my heart could ever take a 20 year countdown of knowing my own blood would leave, would fly away. I’ve had birds in my life already, and they still peck at me in the nest that they abandoned in my heart.
Maybe someday that will change. I’m not a rock. A rolling stone, maybe, but not an unchanging statue. Still, I’m 32, and I’m not getting any younger.
When those sloppily-written television shows tell stories about men freaking out about impending fatherhood, they don’t really ever cover the depths of these kinds of emotions. Somehow, Ben Folds does it in the span of 4 minutes and 25 seconds.
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For more from Nate’s work check him out on twitter at @nathanieljams, www.nathanieljams.com and www.the-tone.net
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