A wreath of lost petals
Ever since hanahaki bestowed itself upon humans like an actual almighty being, Khwaish had had her fair share of horrible experiences with it. While she believed it was the disease vexing her, others claimed that maybe it was a glitch in her soulmate clock.
Thinking about it, the other theory made more sense. Hanahaki was not even an actual person, much less one with feelings. It was more of an essence, a presence of power that stayed around.
But then again, the stupid flowers inside her lungs were given by hanahaki itself, and she wasn’t too sure if she could trust it.
The hanahaki in question is called the soulmate disease by the people. It was one of the first elements given by the almighty when hanahaki showed up 19678 years ago. Humans had the ability to grow their soulmate’s favourite flower inside their lungs. Each human being had a soulmate destined for them, and once they found who they were meant to be with, the flowers would merge to form a unique flower and then appear as a tattoo on both their wrists. People adored how they had a person to love, to cherish someone. It was a small yet loving reminder that there was someone out there, living with your favourite flowers inside their heart, and the flowers would unite as you cross paths. However, if one’s soulmate didn’t love them back…the flowers would eventually grow to suffocate one’s lungs, rendering them unable to breathe, and then lack of oxygen would slowly pull the life out of them.
In this world of flowers and grief, Khwaish remembered him clearly; like the fainted hues of a polaroid, he would fade at times but never be lost on her. As clear as the scent of a memory soap, he stayed with her wherever she went. Her eyes closed in pleasure as he trailed kisses across her skin, her scorching hot skin that begged to be lit on fire by his touch. Arsenic in the way he loved her, Khwaish had no other choice but to let herself be consumed in his flames.
They laid down side by side, listening to each other’s heartbeats as they calmed their fires down. “Thank you, love.” Akaash thanked her like always. He never failed to, even after multiple such encounters, even after having blurred all lines of privacy between them; Akaash never failed to thank her for what they did.
“No problem,” she smiled, gulping the clot of emotions forming in her throat. “Would you like to watch a movie, or do you want me to make you some food?” He placed a soft kiss on her forehead as he helped her clean up. “Also, when will you remove those Hyacinths from the vase?” He chuckled. “I told you to put some peonies there.”
“No, I like the hyacinths; they’re my favourite,” she pouted. “Also, I want to watch Tangled and eat momos, so figure that out, I guess.” She snuggled closer into his chest, and his laugh vibrated through their naked bodies. “Of course, my lady, as you say. Now go and shower while I set your court up.” He let her go.
Khwaish padded into the washroom, the warm feeling in her stomach turning a little too hot as it began to overpower her. The tears began to make their presence known as they slipped down her cheeks, making her clutch her abdomen in pain.
Not again… no… She prepared herself, rushing to the side to hold the wall as the sensation tightened itself impossibly high and snapped, making her bend over.
A string of peony petals slipped out from her swollen lips, rushing out with enough force to produce tears. The flowers didn’t stop their journey, coming out as if a dam had opened after a heavy shower. The force was always unexpected. Even after experiencing it multiple times, the symptoms took her by surprise every time she puked the peonies.
She lost track of time amidst the tears and flowers, crouched over the floor in front of a painful painting of petals. “Baby, you okay?” Akaash knocked on the door. “You’re taking an unusually long time today,” he added, making another fresh batch rush out at his words.
Khwaish wiped her tears hurriedly. “Yeah, I am washing my hair.” She yelled back, hiding any obvious cracks in her voice.
“Okay, I’ll wait.” He hummed, and she felt her heart churn once more.
The peonies didn’t stop.
__
Ever since she was a kid, Akaash had been a constant presence. His little smiles and head pats would cheer her up even on the most painful days when all she wanted to do was cry.
He’d been through each and everything in her life with her, from her first day of primary school to middle school to high school and even college. He’d been there when she’d first gotten her A; he’d been there when she’d first gotten a scar; he’d been there when she’d had her first period.
That memory always brings out a smile on her face; she remembered it clearly. It was middle school — sixth grade to be precise — while Akaash was in the tenth grade and in high school. She’d been walking through the hallway, all care abandoned, for she had no idea that the stomach ache that had been troubling her all day was her very first period.
As always, they both crossed paths during the fourth period, when he would go to the west building for P.E., and her class would be coming back from it.
A blinding pain shot up her stomach as she doubled over, feeling something gush out of her. This was the third time it was happening today. She blinked, dumbfounded for a moment before the panic set in, and her tears began to fill her eyes. Her heartbeat sped up; her stomach contracted in pain as her head spun.
Her first period.
Fuck.
As if that wasn’t enough, she heard the onslaught of the tenth graders flood into the hallway, and her eyes widened. She couldn’t possibly let high school boys or girls see her in that condition. The boys in her class made fun of the girls who had periods, and she couldn’t even imagine how horrible the seniors might be with this.
She did the first thing that came to her mind, she laid her back straight across the lockers and stood to hide her behind.
Akaash, like always, jogged over to her, brows raised in question as he noticed her teary eyes and worried face.
“Hey, petal, everything okay?” he mumbled, concern washing over his handsome features as he stepped close to her, and she trembled lightly from the emotions barreling through her.
“Khwaish- wait-” he began but stopped short. Her tears fell when she realised that he’d probably noticed the stain and was gonna call her on it. She stopped for a second upon his calling but then shook her head.
She grit her teeth, letting out a deep breath as she began walking once more. But as she struggled to put her foot forward, she felt his hands pull her shoulders back.
She gasped softly as she backed up against his chest and felt his arms snake around her waist; fabric grazed her lower body and her thighs as she felt him tie a knot at her abdomen.
His jacket hung from her hips as he softly held her back in his arms.
“It’s okay, petal; everything is alright.” He cooed softly in her ear, and her body shook from the sobs threatening to break through.
–
Khwaish couldn’t remember the last time she’d had a day without having coughed up flowers. Peonies, to be exact. Longer than when Akaash had become more than just a friend, longer than when her heart had realised where it belonged. Her lungs knew before her heart did when one fateful night after having dinner with Akaash, she’d reached home sick to her stomach. When her mouth opened to reveal a bunch of peonies that made their presence in her lungs known, she realised that her heart had betrayed her. She’d fallen in love with her best friend. Akaash was her soulmate.
For days she agonised over this truth. Should she tell him and risk ruining their friendship, or should she hide it and wait for him to fall for her? It was going to happen either way, right? Since he was her soulmate, it was only expected of him. Khwaish picked up the flowers, placing them inside a glass box. She would just stay put and wait for him to realise that they were meant to be together.
The medical diagnosis told her that she had a few months before the disease would progress into the lethal phase. “I suggest you get them surgically removed if your soulmate does not reciprocate your feelings by month three.” The doctor had solemnly told her, making her lick her lips as she weighed her options. Get the only proof of her love for Akaash removed or consider the other dark path. “I’d like to gamble on my flowers.” She smiled at the doctor, who sent a knowing, sad smile her way. “I’ll always have a bed ready for you; say it, and the surgery is yours, Khwaish. What’s losing all memories of the person if you get to survive? It’s better than dying knowing that they don’t love you back.”
Her heart felt like it was being torn into two, gripping two sides of a logical decision she was supposed to be making with her emotions. She couldn’t imagine a life where she didn’t have memories of him, where she didn’t remember his scent, a life where his flavour didn’t linger on her lips…
When Akaash kissed her one night when he was intoxicated, she thought that maybe he’d finally realised what was going on. Her dreams were crushed the next day when he apologised profusely. She was devastated in a manner that she couldn’t recover from the number of flowers that rushed out of her mouth that night.
A few weeks later, when he suggested a friends-with-benefits deal because he couldn’t get the kiss out of his mind, it gave her a new hope, hope that she was scared to have. Her body craved to touch him, and this was the only way to sate the burning fire in her bones. Wanting to stay as close to him as possible, she agreed to his offer, effectively making her heart pine more as she slowly let the flowers grow.
A few more days and he’ll fall for me was her mantra daily. Sooner or later, she knew that he would fall for her. Willing herself into a false sense of security, she would hug him a little longer, kiss a little deeper, and smile at him a little more.
So when Sara came into the picture, Khwaish’s only hope had departed, leaving her stranded on the shore of heartbreak. For the first time in her life, she had trouble breathing while coughing up flowers. Her medical diagnosis worsened as the flowers had progressed to growing inside her lungs.
“Get it done within the next month Khwaish, if you can; we don’t see your soulmate reciprocating. If anything, the situation is getting progressively worse.” She ignored the text she’d received from her doctor and placed it to the side, and Akaash vented to her about his day. She smiled as he told her about a particularly funny incident as they sipped coffee. “Wait-.” He sighed as he leaned in, brushing his fingers over her lips as he collected some of the cream on them. “Tsk tsk, how messy.” He chuckled, strands of hair falling into his dark brown eyes that Khwaish urged to brush back.
Her heart itched at the action, making her stomach act up as she felt a wave of flowers run up her throat. “Oh fuck.” She cursed as she quickly got up, making Akaash look up in concern. “What’s wrong, petal?” He questioned, rushing after her as she hurried to the washroom.
“Petal?” He knocked on the door. “Khwaish? Khwaish, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
Khwaish hurled the petals out, tears stinging her eyes as her heart burned from the lack of oxygen. She felt her body physically break as the disease slowly took over her. Panicking about the flowers, she hurriedly flushed them, scared of Akaash finding out. He had finally found love in Sara, and she was not going to make him feel guilty about not loving her back. Khwaish opened the door once she had stabilised her breathing, but her face gave her away. The look on Akaash’s face made it clear that she looked worse than she felt.
“Who’s that asshole?” Akaash tilted his head. “Who’s that goddamned idiot who is making you go through this like a coward?” Before Khwaish could make up an excuse, she felt her legs give up due to the lack of nutrition in her as her eyes rolled into the back of her head. Akaash was quick to catch her, eyes widening in panic as he yelled for help. Khwaish could only hear his worried tone, his strong arms feeling a little too homely to be in as her eyes closed.
-
“Why does it have to be me?” Akaash muttered, head in his hands as he stared at her limp body on the bed. “Why are you so stupid?” Eyes empty, he stared.
“I..what do you mean?” Khwaish whispered, throat parched due to the number of flowers she’d coughed up.
Akaash looked at her, finally looking at her with pain covering his face. “How could you not tell me?” His voice sounded of betrayal, pain and hurt. “How long has this been going on? Huh?”
“A..” Khwaish let out a tired breath. “Does it even matter, Akaash? Let it go….”
“Of course, it matters! It fucking matters to me that my best friend is going to….” He refused to even say the word.
Khwaish wondered if he would cry if she told him she had only two weeks left.
Glancing away from him in the hopes of hiding her thoughts from him, she smiled at the hyacinths he had brought.
A pain she’d never felt before swelled in her chest as she caressed them slowly, feeling the petal’s softness under her skin. “You know now.” Her body felt tired, so tired…
Akaash couldn’t help the pain running down his chest as he violently pulled at his hair. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” He cried out, while she just smiled.
“What would have changed?” She sighed. “There’s no point trying for change when the deed is already done. And this was entirely my choice. It was my decision.” Her fingers let the hyacinth fall. “Unless you puke hyacinths, there really can be no change.” She laid the cold truth right in his face, watching his resolve break slowly.
“What…” He swallowed his tears; what was he feeling? Anger? Guilt? Frustration? “What can I do for you now, petal?” Helplessness dripped from every word that left his mouth.
“Sleep with me.” No hesitation.
“Lie down beside me and sleep with me.” She repeated, firmer this time. She could see the pain in his expression, in his red, wet cheeks and blinking eyes, in his shaking figure and quivering hands that tried to hold on to her.
“It’s okay, Akaash..” She choked out, refusing to let her voice crack. “For now, sleep with me.”
He sniffed as he looked at her, hands wiping her tears as he pulled her closer.
“Sleep with you?”
“Yes, sleep with me.” She repeated the third time, pulling him down beside her.
He tucked her head into his chest, placing her on his arm. Tears still ran, though they both tried to ignore the cries threatening to consume them. “Come here, petal.” He placed a kiss on her forehead, patting her head. “So we sleep.”
He began to caress her forehead, humming aimlessly as their shaking figures rocked with each other in between silent sobs.
“Good night Akaash.”
“Good night, my petal.”
–
On 20th September 2022, Khwaish died.
Her last moments were fresh in Akaash’s mind as he’d held her hand till the end. As if he could ever forget her or the time he spent with her.
Khwaish was his brightest star; she was his glowing light, she was his shining sun. and now she was gone.
Just like that.
He couldn’t reach her anymore; no matter how badly he wanted to hold onto her and never let go, she had already left him.
His eyes betrayed him as he tried to refuse reality, as he tried to deny what had just taken place in front of him.
He didn’t stop his tears from falling as he sobbed uncontrollably beside her bed, holding his wish in his arms.
They were never meant to find happiness after all.
Hanahaki had made sure of that.
__
A few hours earlier
“You know, you really are the one for me.” She sighed as she laid down in Akaash’s arms, his hands holding her close as she laid down her head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat slowly.
She tried to ignore the tears pricking her eyes, they only had a little time left, and they’d promised not to spend it in vain by crying.
“I love you Akaash Tiwari. I will always love you.” She whispered, leaning up to look at his face.
She could still see the pain in his eyes that he was masking with his soft smile just for her.
“I loved your expressive eyes that tell me you love me, even as a friend. I love your warm hugs that capture me after a long hard day; I love your daring soul that made me fall in love with you. Akaash Tiwari.” She paused. “You are the best thing that ever happened to me; I love everything about you to the extent that it scares me. I love you so much that my heart hurts, and if in another universe I was given the option to fall in love, I would choose to fall in love with you all over again.”
She finished with a soft whisper, stopping herself before her voice broke to avoid crying.
Akaash could only hold her close as he cursed himself, his feelings, this disease, his stupid heart that didn’t love her back.
“Thank you for….everything.” She finished with one final shudder as a shiver ran up her body, and he held her close till the end.
Her eyes closed with a smile on her face as she let go, in Akaash’s arms.
“Farewell, my petal.” Akaash mumbled against your soulless body.
Khwaish was dead.
–
The next morning, the doctors found the two wrapped in each other’s arms, clinging to each other as if they were each other’s lifelines. Broken petals and flowers framed her hospital bed, like a funeral wreath in some sort of twisted macabre manner. Obviously, there were peonies littered on her side.
But there were flowers littered beside Akaash’s lifeless body too.
Blood red Hyacinths.
— — — — —
Writer: Natania Kumar
Editor: Pratha Narayan
