Five Signs You Are in Emotional Debt

Emotional debt is like an odourless gas that slowly poisons relationships. No one wants it in their backyard. Ignoring the problem won’t solve it. So, you’ve got to learn to recognize the five signs of emotional debt. Are you with me? Here they are:

Let’s start by defining what emotional debt is.

In my video, What Is Emotional Debt, I ask you to imagine standing in front of your favourite store with your best friend. You want them to buy you a gift, but you’re not letting them know. Instead, you buy them a gift and secretly hope they’ll return the favour. That’s the setup of emotional debt: creating a feeling of owing without agreement from both sides. The gift was poisonous. Let me ask you. Did the friend know what they were getting into when they accepted what they thought was a true gift?

There are many reasons why anyone creates emotional debt. It’s not that we want to do it and live like that. It’s just that we might not know yet how to feel safe enough to own our needs. Here’s what I mean:

Sign #1 Are you ashamed of your needs?

The shame is, “I need it, but I’m too afraid to own that I need it.”

In my article, How to Prevent Emotional Debt, I talk about how many of us got shamed for having needs. So we hid and denied that we needed what we needed. However, needs ask that we fulfill them. If we feel ashamed to own our needs, we’ll tend to manipulate others to get us what we want.

Sign #2 Do you tally “I did this and that for you”?

A relationship based on debt requires account keeping.

Let me ask you. Do you keep track of all you do for your spouse? Kids? Parents? Etc. Though you might say that you’re happy to do things for the people you love and don’t want anything in return, how quickly do you let them know what you’ve done for them when you don’t get the thanks you think you deserve?

Sign #3 Can you gift without expectations?

A gift that comes with expectations is called a loan.

In the article, Are You in a Relationship Based on Debt or Abundance? I ask, How do you feel when you do a favour for someone, and that person says, “I owe you one”? A gift that comes with expectations is not a gift; it’s a loan. Where there’s a loan, there’s a debt.

Sign #4 How often do you tell yourself, “They should have known!”?

Unspoken expectations end up as emotional debt.

Do you believe that what others do for you is part of being in a relationship? If you do, have you specified when and how many times you want them to do a particular deed for you? If you haven’t and they don’t deliver, do you tell yourself, “They should have known!”? If you believe so, you might want to read my article, How to Get Out of Emotional Debt.

Sign #5 Is being specific hard for you?

Emotional debt has vague repayment terms.

Earlier, I asked you to imagine standing in front of your favourite store with your best friend. You wanted them to buy you a gift, but you left that information purposely vague as you bought them a gift. What do you believe would happen if you specified the terms of engagement? What if you had said, “I’ll get you A, and you’ll get me B”? There is no emotional debt when both sides state what they need and agree on what would satisfy those needs.

Having come this far, are you in emotional debt? If you are, what do you need to own your needs?

Feel free to reach out to me at anne@financialeq.coach

Anne Beaulieu, inspiring the next generation of emotionally intelligent, strategic women through:

• Your personal emotionally intelligent strategic plan
• Developing strategic emotional intelligence
• Financial EQ coaching
• Financial EQ consulting
• Financial EQ implementation of your emotionally intelligent strategic plan
• Chartered financial analysis
• Finance economics
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