Being A Husband To A Stay At Home Wife
THREE DO’S & DON’TS
In 2019 after getting married my wife and I believed God was calling her to be a stay at home mom. In the month to pursue, my wife would quit her job and our journey of being a one income family would begin.
Though the lessons have been endless, these are three do’s and don’ts I’ve learned from the journey thus far.
DO help in the way she needs it, not just in the way you prefer.
Here’s the thing, you’re more than likely going to be tired as well. That being said, there’s a limited amount of time and energy left to actually assist with house duties during your workdays.
If you burn that energy on something that she doesn’t need, it will probably succeed in frustrating both of you.
I do activity time, pray, read to, and put my kids to sleep each night. At this point, I’m desensitized to walking back into our living room and assessing the aftermath of the havoc that was wreaked upon our home.
Food that was meant for mouth’s end up on walls, toys are spread as far as the eyes can see, and the occasional diaper that was removed by it’s owner with some of the contents missing which I then have to hunt down using wit and my sense of smell are the usuals.
This is where my wife wants help.
Taking out the trash is great and all, but home girl might need you to mop some floors or pack away laundry. Spend that energy you have left where it will matter the most.
Here’s a pro tip, don’t assume, ask her where she wants you to help.
DO give her a day off using your PTO, sick time, etc.
This came after child #4. As most of you know, having toddlers and a newborn scream your ears off all day can/will drive you insane.
Do her a favor, instead of allocating all your PTO toward family vacations, break it up where she can get a few days off for her own solo vacation.
That’s right, she gets her own vacation, she deserves it. (I’m sure you do too but this is about her right now).
Keep in mind that it’s her day off. So allow her to spend it as she pleases.
She might head to the spa, or she might end up doing laundry in peace knowing that she won’t be interrupted by the kids.
Don’t try to force her to rest, let her use this time as she sees fit.
DO recognize her contribution though it isn’t financial.
Compliments, flowers, whatever ways of saying thank you and making sure she’s aware her help is highly appreciated.
It goes a long way.
This is a team effort, let your teammate know you’re glad they’re playing on your side.
DON’T underestimate the value of what she’s doing.
It’s terrible to admit, but I would usually see this flaw surface when budgeting in year one. Thinking maybe we’re crazy for trying to live off one income led to me wondering if my wife being home was actually adding value to our lives.
I feel like a fool for ever questioning it.
The impact it’s had on our family throughout the years cannot be grasped in a Medium post.
This is by no means a jab at anyone who places their child in daycare, do what you have to do. Don’t worry, I live in reality where everyone isn’t an entrepreneur/millionaire. Ok, that said — our kids are having the time of their life.
Call it a hunch but I think they enjoy waking up and spending the day with mom more than a teacher/babysitter.
Don’t forget that stay at home moms aren’t actually at home all day.
The plethora of doctor appointments, grocery trips, items to acquire for the home, and then some my wife is able to accomplish is astonishing.
That’s why “DO” #1 and #2 are so important — she’s prioritized everyone else all day/week, make sure she has time for herself.
DON’T walk around believing you can do a better job.
Ha, I’m such an idiot. For a little while when I came home and saw something incomplete, dirty, out of place, etc…I would judge my wife.
I would think to myself “if I was home all day I would have done twice as much as you and written a whole book by now.”
Yea, that little judgmental streak came crashing down fast when I was left alone with the kids all day for the first time. By the second hour I was frustrated. By the third I was livid. By the fourth I was battling a bout of depression — please pay special attention to that last line.
My wife isn’t in the fast paced industrial sales environment I work in, but her position is just as stressful if not more. At least I get to leave customers and coworkers behind for a respite each day.
She lives with hers.
Lastly, be careful, you keep thinking you can do a better job and that might just slip out your mouth one day.
DON’T ask what she has done all day — this is liable to set off WW3.
Not my sharpest moment, I know...
This is an outcome of the previous “DON’T.”
One day it finally slipped out my mouth, and boy oh boy, I won’t be making that mistake again. Not just in what I said, but my thought process as well.
I want to pause right here though and address something — if a stay at home parent isn’t pulling their weight, something needs to be said. It doesn’t have to be confrontational, but still. This goes for the partner who is working as well. Make the environment comfortable enough to speak on these things.
However, in my case my wife was pulling her weight. It was my ego and lack of appreciation that blinded me from seeing it.
So before you cause Hiroshima #2, think before you speak.
Enjoyed reading this article? If you want to read more like it then consider signing up for a membership with Medium. It’s only $5 and you gain access to unlimited reads with an awesome community.
