Surprised By Our Kids: Our Children Remind Us Of Our Priorities
As parents, we find ourselves bombarded by a seemingly constant flow of demands, requests, and tasks. Our children want our energy, attention, and time and they want them all the time. The daily household to-do list backs up (it certainly never gets shorter), and as soon as we accomplish one task, it is replaced by another. Errands to run, activities to attend, chores to tackle; it’s a schedule set on repeat. And that’s only the logistical work; there’s also the enormous task of instructing our children in right thinking and good living. We should not leave either of those areas to chance or the world to influence; our voice, instruction, and expectations need to be the loudest and most convincing in our children’s minds.
Along the way, if we’re paying attention amid the seeming chaos, some fantastic things happen: we’re struck by what they’ve understood. We’re surprised that all the instruction, prayers, reminders, cajoling, negotiating, encouragement, and discipline all seem to blend and come to the surface in a single moment. Understanding appears in their words, lives, and actions, and we say to ourselves, “Exactly! That is what I wanted them to understand.” Or even better, “Their understanding surpasses my highest expectation for them.” And we find ourselves surprised by our kids, about the people they are as well as the people they encourage us to become alongside them.
Character, Not Achievements
Our society focuses on outward success, the trappings of a supposed good life: prosperous job, beautiful spouse, big house, Instagram feed of incredible accomplishments, and world travels. That’s all immaterial if it’s surface deep. And it’s not the training our children need. Their character, not their achievements, is where we need to focus. Not to do better, or achieve more, but to be better people. Accomplishments come and go; our character is being shaped every day and is far more significant.
Look for opportunities or incidences where your kids surprise you with their character, not only the grade they received but how they accomplished it. Not only the friends they have but how they treat them. Not only the knowledge they possess but how they use it. There’s nothing wrong with achievements and success, and we should aim for both, but they need to be achieved in a manner worthy of praise and employed in the way of respect and usefulness.
Round 2
As parents, we have all this life experience (some of it could be called wisdom), and we want to pass it on to our children so they can benefit from it. We misplace that experience as we attempt to pass it on in the specific sense, not in general principles, and we tend to emphasize particular areas that are important to us. We want them to excel at sports because that’s our focus and enjoyment. We wish they were better students because we struggled in our education. They need to go to college because we didn’t and wish we had.
We’re not living through our children. Each of us has had past opportunities and will have future ones. If we missed some of those opportunities or did not use them fully, that’s not for our children to deal with or sort out. Our children are not our Round 2 shot at life. They are not a second chance for us to “do it right this time”; their lives have interests, challenges, hurdles, flaws, and goals individual to them. Let your children surprise you with their unique interests and joys, give it space to come to the surface.
Hearts, Not Symptoms
“Parenting is not a behavior control mission; it is a heart-rescue mission” -Paul David Tripp
It is easy for our parenting to develop (or devolve) into a checklist of Do’s/Don’ts:
“Don’t do drugs!”
“Get to work on time!”
“Make sure you keep your grades up!”
Instead of focusing on curing symptoms with instructions, aim for fostering hearts and minds that recognize on their own that certain behaviors, choices, and habits create platforms for success in life, and others do not. Some actions and priorities push us to become the people we want to be, and others do not. We desire to see our children possess the character that, looking back, we wish we had at a younger age. And we want them to achieve it without learning it all the hard way, as we did. We need to deal with deep issues of the heart; wisdom and character will not take root if we are only interested in correcting overt behaviors.
Hopeful
Foundational, parenting is about hope. Despite setbacks, trials, and mistakes, we are optimistic for tomorrow and the space that our children will inhabit in it. Hope drives our efforts; if we didn’t have confidence, we would give up and throw in the towel each day. And to give up on our children is to give up on the future. And giving up on tomorrow is unacceptable. It demonstrates a lack of resolve, courage, faith, and energy. So we must remain hopeful, and the days and instances when our children surprise us with their understanding and character are encouraging guideposts along the way.
Surprised
Alongside the surprises that can come to the surface in our children are the fundamental surprises that happen to us while we raise them. To be diligent, loving, and intentional parent, we have to become different people. Our priorities, plans, and energy need to shift to include another person (or multiple people). This shift is not natural; it takes work. Generosity, sacrifice, and intentionality are not traits and habits that come easy to most of us. Our natural self-absorption and individualistic tendencies need tempering and restraint to redirect that energy into the mentoring and future of another individual. It’s a weighty but rewarding investment.
We all want to experience a life well-lived, and we want a good life for our children. To work on such a life, we need to define and clarify exactly what that is. They need to see a good life pursued by us as well. When our children see our efforts and energy in areas of the heart, character, goals, and attention, they’ll be one step closer to imitating it. If we set the stage, our children can (and will) surprise us by how well they can perform on it. It’s our job to give them the ecosystem, the framework in which they can thrive and be best prepared to seek their own life well lived.
Moving forward
Do your children surprise you with either their character or level of understanding?
Start today: what’s one area where you can work on a heart-issue with your children?
Originally published at https://fjwriting.com on February 19, 2020.
