5 Top Ways of Taking Care of your Cactus Plant

So you decided to take the plunge and buy a cactus plant. Here are top five ways cacti experts agree you can see a fruitful relationship with your cactus plant:

1. Do not touch the plant.

You want to brush your face delicately against the fine prickles produced by millions of years of evolution. We get it, we’ve all been there.

2. Do not place it near your alarm clock.

You’re sore from last night. Your couch, encrusted with your body print after your six hour binge session of the second season of Narcos. 7:45am, alarm clock goes off. It sounds like it’s in the opposite side of the room, but you’re just sleepy and blame it on that. You reach over to snooze it without thinking and impale your hand on your cactus plant.

3. Do not eat it.

Yeah, we’ve all been there. You want to get a quick bite to eat, so you open up the pantry in an attempt to find a bag of Doritos ranch, and you reason about: what’s a cactus but a prickly apple, right?

4. Do not bring it into bed with you.

You’re lonely and the last thing you want is to have a heart attack in the middle of your precious slumber and die alone. So you bring your cactus plant with you into your bed. You lay there for a few minutes reminiscing about your most recent relationship with Michelle. It wasn’t even that special but it lasted longer than your others. You guys had reached the point of absolute comfort where you could finally fart in the bathroom without loud music and the bathroom fan. Yeah, you had it good, and you’d have one last thing to worry about in life since your love life was set. Then one day she breaks up with you because she spent her last couple of years being with you and wanted to try new things. “It’s not even your fault” she said. You damn well knew it’s all you. But it’s also the fault of her friend Katie who was always passive aggressive towards you, while you tried your hardest to be nice. For a fact you knew she was whispering things to Michelle like to “move on” because he’s “given up on himself.” So, post breakup you started going to the gym to make up for it, but then you pulled a hamstring because you were so distraught and overcompensated for all of the times you’ve missed exercise. Back into recovery mode on your couch, and Narcos hasn’t even released Season 3 yet. You feel lonely, so you get in bed with your cactus plant.

I’m sorry I can’t do this