Staten Island Set to Become a Borough in 2021

Estranged Staten Island is one step away from officially being the fifth borough of New York. After years of empty promises and failed proposals, Governor Cuomo has put an MTA plan into effect to connect Staten Island with the rest of the boroughs via Manhattan scheduled for completion by 2021. Much of the plan is still a work in progress, but the main premise and the initial phase revolves around a very long rope.

“The idea is simple, if you really lay down and think about it,” claimed Cuomo. “People can use the rope to pull themselves along on a rubber dinghy. We’ll hand out rappel gloves to prevent the rope burn, free of charge. And frankly, between you and me, it’ll be a lot faster than taking the I-278 to Manhattan for a night out, because that bad boy is to be under construction indefinitely. It’s a win-win situation, and I’m extremely proud of the effort,” praised Governor Cuomo. The second phase of the plan will be to legalize homemade floating objects to be used in the New York Bay in case commuters do not want to use city provided dinghies. And the final phase — to introduce a mandatory ten hour workshop, “How to Identify and Survive a Rip Current.”