The Fat Indian Girl (#7)
History sometimes repeats itself, several times
Meera couldn’t sleep for several nights a part of her felt very guilty that she had driven somebody to the point of wanting to commit suicide. She had heard of stories of how her mother tried to kill herself when her father left her. She wondered if she had hurt somebody like that like her father hurt her mother.
Meera’s mother often told her that she was just like her father, stubborn and arrogant. Meera got annoyed when her mother constantly taunted her for being like her father like it was the world’s worst thing to be — like him.
Still, she was feeling guilty for being like him right now, she was feeling guilty for choosing herself.
Her father had picked his happiness over their family. Meera had promised herself she would never be with somebody like that in her life. She would never be with a man who would choose himself over her, but right now it felt like she was that man. She had chosen her happiness and comfort over somebody else’s emotions and no matter how much she tried to brush those thoughts aside they just kept coming back. She deleted Karthik’s number from her phone. She blocked him so he couldn’t send all of his I love you messages.
At this time, she hated her job much more than ever, she had always thought of becoming a scriptwriter and she had been working on a script — a love story, for a long time now, though the story had changed quite a bit since Meera started writing it, the main theme, however, was the same — two disturbed people coming together and saving each other from their misery. Meera did not have the guts to follow through her dream.
She did not want to leave her job and be dependent on her father for money. She feared if she did that her life would be just like her mother’s a constant stream of failed ventures and shattered dreams.
Also, secretly, she feels like nobody really understands us, like there is this part of her that is very dramatic, just like all the characters from the movie scripts she writes and nobody knows that version of her, even if people saw that side, she thinks they will either laugh at her or reject her, so why show it anyway?
Meera has learned to control her behaviour with everyone around her. Especially her mother who constantly berates Meera for showing even a little sign of weakness.
Meera remembers, when she had a fight with the gang, back in school and she came home crying, instead of comforting her, her mother flew in a fit of rage saying, “how can you be so weak, you should not let anyone make you cry like this, Meera”.
Since that day, Meera feels a little ashamed whenever she finds herself feeling teary-eyed or sad. In fact, she’d rather run away from a situation that makes her sad than go through with feeling that sadness. What’s more is that she thinks if she cribs or complaints about her life to other people, they will think of her as a nuisance or burden, because a part of her is convinced that only really annoying and weak people share their sorrows with others, the smart ones keep it to themselves.
That’s why Meera goes through all the small and big problems of her life without talking to anybody about them. But of late it has been difficult, after this incident with Karthik, Meera has been openly sulking, it’s as if she has suddenly lost the willingness to hide her negative emotions.
Meera really wants to meet Rajeev and talk to him about the job situation and all other situations, he is her safe space. He is the only person in front of whom she doesn’t have to pretend, no matter how shitty she’s feeling, that’s why he’s her best friend. She decides to meet Rajeev as soon as possible, she wasn’t sure how much she would be able to share with him, but the thought of spending time with him and being free from being forever strong Meera, just for a while, made her feel good.
Meera’s mother is cooking something in the kitchen, while she is sitting on the sofa watching television, she has had a really bad day at work, her boss scolded her in front of the entire staff, again, for messing up some important numbers on the balance sheet, he called her incompetent and dumb. She is really disturbed, too many people have called her too many bad things recently and she just cannot handle any more unnecessary criticism. She is sitting on the sofa trying to contain her tears until she loses all control and covers her face with her hands and starts crying.
Roma hears Meera cry and comes running out from the kitchen. She rushes towards Meera and tries to yank Meera’s hands away from her face. Meera keeps her face covered with her hands and continues crying she doesn’t want her mother to look at her right now, not like this.
Roma gives up on trying to take Meera’s hands away from her face and sits next to her and rubs her back and asks her, “What happened beta, somebody told you something or what?”
Meera does not say anything.
“Stop crying, Meeru. Don’t let those people get to you. Meera you can’t be so weak. You know how the world is. You have to be tough, there is no point being so …” continued Roma.
“Shut up”, interrupts Meera softly, wiping her tears and cleaning the snort falling from her nose with the sleeve of her top.
“What?”, asks Roma, looking confused trying to hold Meera’s hand. Meera pushes her mother’s hand away and stands up, she does not want any sympathy, especially the kind that is masked as love and comfort.
“SHUT UP, just SHUT UP. What is your problem ha? Can you stop giving your stupid motivational speeches, I don’t want them. And what are you talking about being tough, you still cry when you see dad’s photos with his stupid wife. Please stop being a hypocrite”, Meera screams, sits on the chair adjacent to the sofa, takes the remote in her hand and increases the volume of the television.
Roma looks shattered, she looks like she is going to say something but she runs to her room and shuts the door and starts howling.
Meera is annoyed, she is feeling bad for being mean to her mother but she is really angry, again everything has gone from being about her to being about her mother. All she needed right now, was to be comforted, by an adult. But now she knows her mother won’t stop crying till she goes and says sorry to her and comforts her.
Meera is tired of always acting like the fucking adult in the family. This time she does not say sorry. She goes to her room shuts the door and puts her earphones on and sleeps to the voice of Frank Sinatra singing, That’s Life.
I said that’s life (that’s life) and as funny as it may seem
Some people get their kicks
Stompin’ on a dream
But I don’t let it, let it get me down
’Cause this fine old world it keeps spinnin’ around
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