DMV Introduces New Driving Manual

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The DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) released a new manual those looking to get a license, or to brush up on their driving skills on Monday. The manual is available for download on the California DMV website here.


Section 13b: The Proper (and Improper) Use of the Electronic Cigarette Lighter

Thou shalt use the cigarette lighter properly in every situation. The cigarette lighter serves as a tool for things far greater than the lighting of cigarettes. For an example, a common use of the cigarette lighter is as a pinky resting position during heavy periods of traffic, more commonly know as “a gridlock.” The electronic cigarette lighter is NOT, under any circumstances, to be used to store cat treats.

Section 24a: Correct Usage Of Steering Wheel

Although commonly used as a pillow, this is not the correct use. The name is very deceptive. Its correct use is a food tray. All you have to do is bend the steering wheel into an upright position. (Don’t worry that it made a screeching noise, it is supposed to do that) An added bonus is that you can turn your plate like a miniature lazy susan.

Section 32v: Motor Repair

Although most think of the motor as a important part of the car, it is completely useless. You’re probably never going to use it. The advised use is to take it out and use the space for extra storage! Although the car might sound a little rusty afterwards, one tune up will fix it. A hot tub is a great alternative to to the extra storage if you don’t need it.

Section 47m: The Correct Usage of Pedals

Pedals are the annoying things under your feet that you have to step on. Without them you could have more legroom, and therefore, greater comfort. The necessary repairs to counteract this is to duct tape the gasoline valve open. The brake pedal is already useless, as all you have to do to stop is run into a tree. A perfectly safe maneuver if you have airbags.

Section 56z: Correct Usage of Seats

Sure, it might be hard, but for even more leg room, turning the front seats 180 degrees will work wonders. It only works for self automated cars, which is a bit of a drawback. So go buy a Tesla, and you’ll be on your way. If you don’t have that kind of money, go to the nearest circus and steal an intelligent monkey.