Tech Journalism photography makes me WannaCry

We get it. Cyber attacks sound great on paper, but they’re not the most glamorous thing to portray visually. Last week’s unprecedented ransomware attack led to a flurry of news stories across the world that shared a common thread — the inexplicable use of stock technology photography.

Here is the story as told by stock photos taken from articles around the web.

There was a CYBER ATTACK

Fun fact: “cyber attack” in binary is 01100011 01111001 01100010 01100101 01110010 00100000 01100001 01110100 01110100 01100001 01100011 01101011 00001101 00001010

What happens when your email gets to 100%? 100% of what!? What happens when the WIFI goes off?! WHAT HAPPENS IN INCOGNITO MODE?!?!

This cyber attack came in the form of Ransomware.

Come for the Ransomware, stay for the camera, contacts, TV, car, house, washing machine, padlock, RAM, File Copy, cloud, NHS and lightbulb.

Wait, nobody told me anything about free events. I want to go!

There were many victims, the most prolific(in the UK) being the NHS.

30 degree rotations are all the rage these days. Nobody wants to see a regular screenshot of a website.

I’ll tell you who he’s probably not on the phone to — 999.

And, of course, the financial markets reacted accordingly.

Right everyone, this cyber gizmo things is affecting shares. We’ve only got room for one photo, work your magic.

We don’t know who the attacker was. What we do know is the following:

1. They had hands.

I tried it too, and felt instantly smarter and more like a hacker.

2. They were probably male.

You know who actually (probably) wrote code in binary/hex/machine code? Grace Hopper. She invented COBOL so we wouldn’t have to do it anymore.

3. They were probably a male with a hood.

And they probably had binary projected on them.

4. They may have been wearing sunglasses.

I mean, why should cyber criminals be robbed of the joy of looking badass when committing crimes, amirite?!

But how did they do it, you ask?

The current working theory is that they opened up the Internet, searched for the word PASSWORD, reached into the screen and the world was their oyster.

This is why your password should be in binary. They wouldn’t suspect a thing.

I know what you’re thinking, that’s just ridiculous. How could they possibly find as password in the entire Internet, it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Of course, our hooded man is well equipped with the tools required to be dangerous in this modern world. Namely — the magnifying glass.

Pro tip: Just press Ctrl/Cmd +, it’s basically the same thing.

Whilst we’re here, here are some other technology concepts that we’ve just been dying to write about and now we have an excuse.

“Geek’s gold”, according to one newspaper that shall remain unnamed. (It rhymes with The Fun).

So how should one protect themselves from this, and other inevitable threats to our online existence.

Well, if you’re over 30, take off your glasses because this is where it gets complicated.

Firstly, you want padlocks. Try and padlock as much of the machine as physically possible.

Let’s be honest, if you’re still running MSN messenger you’ve probably got bigger problems.

Padlocking is is enough for most users, but for true protection you’ll want to get yourself a shield.

Warning: some malware has been known to bypass these shields by offering them cans of Pepsi.

But, while it’s easy to get caught up in the jargon of a brave new world, this story like all others really just boils down to the people. Like all good stories, we have our heroes (witting or otherwise), our villains, our somewhat morally grey, our victims and our victors.

Wears sunglasses. It checks out.

(And of course what is a hero in the technology industry without their Pizza.)