People Pleaser -II

Pursuit of acceptance.

The search for acceptance can mean two things. Either you search for reasons to accept yourself as you are and be happy, or you search for acceptance externally, keeping expectations that someone else will accept you the way you are, or else you are not worth it and you must change. A decision like this could ruin a child’s life. As it almost did mine. You cannot go around in life looking for acceptance. You cannot go around life trying to please everyone. There will be someone or the other who just wouldn’t like you.

The Art of People-Pleasing : Show-Business.

As a kid with very few friends, I would often lose myself in the world of stories and cinema. I would watch it all. From comedy, fantasy, action, you name it. I would get so deep into the stories that this medium of entertainment soon transformed into escapism for me. I would often get ideas about what kind of a world we should have from movies, and then assumed that the real world would live up to those expectations. A world where every story must have a happy ending. Everyday is either a good day, or a bad day. Where everyone is either good or bad. I put this lens in my brain that made me see the world in a different light, this certain fantasy-based , unrealistic truth.

As a teenager, my attachment with films and movies grew, I began noticing that film actors and actresses are the most likable of all people. Everyone loves a film star. A film star gets the most attention, the most fans, and the most amount of love in society. People look up to these divas. People ask them for autographs, selfies and sometimes even an opinion on something.

I had forgetten that film stars are in the end , people. Acting is ultimately a job. I began putting actors on a pedestal, just like most teenage folk do. I began following their every move, every famous line in the movie, every workout routine, every diet, and everything they said and did in press conferences and award shows. I started feeling that I would ultimately gain salvation if I became an actor. If I begin to strut on the world famous rags to riches superstar path that every self entitled kid wants to follow. I felt I would be loved and attended to again if I became a celebrity.

My sudden love for acting and films stemmed from the fact that I was seeking attention. I wanted the limelight. Because I thought being in the limelight meant that people actually loved you. I started doing theater in school and strived to be an actor the real way, without waiting for a break from some big production company. But here too, I was stumped by the standards of society.

My acting coach began telling me how thin I needed to be, how tall I needed to be, what kind of face cut I needed to have, and in the end, what kind of luck I needed to have. A fifteen year old kid was told how he should look and how people will be pleased. A fifteen year old kid was being told had to be lucky enough to get somewhere in life.

These condescending remarks from an industry that stereotypes people to make money gave me a determination to change myself. I started hopelessly hanging from bars hoping gravity would stretch my spine a couple of inches longer. I started running and lifting weights, hoping to get noticed. I started hoping my genetics somehow alter themselves having pity on my soul.

I worked in several events and production offices, waiting and hoping someone would disguise me. No one saw through the mere “prop boy” that I was. One of my bosses told me sternly to quit the job if I had no interest in production, or else I would be stuck there forever. There was no way I was going to get discovered for a role other than some guy in the back holding an artificial tree. So I quit. I quit and went back to college.

There was always something I had to do to get attention. I started getting caught up in the wave of being popular in college. In college i noticed that the body builders and tall handsome guys with nice hair who knew how to sweet talk and flirt with girls always were the most popular. They were the ones who got all the hugs and kisses from girls. They were the ones invited to parties and get togethers. My friend circle in college would encourage me to “hook up” with girls in order to be “A stud”. In the back of my head I knew all these Ideas were incredibly shallow and disgusting to a certain level, but I was getting carried away.

Just when I started to get ideas of using performance enhancing and growth hormone steroids, I stopped. I just stopped. I just stopped everything I was doing…

Sometimes you need to be broken beyond repair to build yourself back up again.Stronger.

more in part 3…………………………………………….