America’s Next Civil War: Karen vs Us All
By Matthew Rosson
Disclaimer: All writings in this article are satire and we advise not engaging in any activities suggested in this article.
Since the dawn of time, mankind has had mortal enemies. In the beginning, it was the elements and the animals that would hunt us as often as we would hunt them. Then, it became an issue of famine and war. Over time we were faced with new challenges that threatened our species with extinction; plague and uncontrollable sickness.
Through the years, humanity has remained resilient. We’ve fought off smallpox and the bubonic plague. We together as a nation have pushed back on the bonds of tyranny. We’ve become so advanced that we are the alpha predator and the top species on this planet.
Yet, in this life, whether it’s a divine intervention or an adaptation to help us with population control, a new enemy must rise. In this sick twisted turn that no human could possibly expect, the most dangerous enemy of all has risen from the ashes of COVID and wokeism. Today’s enemy is more commonly known as the Karen. For those of you unfamiliar with these middle aged (women or men, Karenism knows no gender) nuisances, a Karen is someone who will go out of their way to impose their belief structures on any unwitting or unsuspecting individual. A Karen’s top priority is to make others around them have a bad day, specifically targeting the working class and minimum wage workers.
With this new threat to society and the holiday season coming up, we felt it our civic duty to advise our loyal readers on the top ten ways to defend, and ultimately defeat, a Karen. *Not all Karen’s are named Karen and not all people named Karen are bad people. You must observe a Karen first before defense and defeat are necessary.*
Before we can start, we must do our best Steve Irwin impersonation to help you understand how to identify these lizard people. There are two ways to identify a Karen. First, by their actions and looks. Yes, Karen’s are generally obnoxious, but how are they obnoxious? If it’s the Karen stereotype that we’re looking for, the individual will get in your face close enough for you to smell their skunk breath but not close enough to kiss you. They often point and wave their fingers while berating you for completely legal things. Often they are dressed as your typical middle class soccer mom who drives a Escalade (not a minivan, they are two good for that van lifestyle). The final action is the most important; they will disregard respect and do anything and everything to make you feel uncomfortable and worship them.
Second is with a Karen bell. We at The Herald happen to have the world’s largest supply of Karen bells and will sell you one if you need it. If you ring the Karen bell three times and yell something confrontational, all Karens within three miles will come running and the battle and defense will begin.
Now that you know several ways to identify a Karen, you’re now ready to defend against one. Below are ten ways to defeat your neighborhood Karen… good luck.
- When defending against a Karen, the best approach is to start with kindness. Sometimes people suffer from a sickening plague called Karenitis. This is when a usually rational individual is in X-games mode. This life threatening disease can be caused by just a genuinely bad day (which leads to all sorts of attitude issues that no one needs). The cure is as always kindness; a simple smile can change a person’s day. Remember your first line of defense is a compliment and a warm smile. This tactic could save your life and the person affected by Karenitis.
2. If kindness fails, you are facing a full-fledged Karen (and must be prepared for a battle). Some Karens will respond well to small harmless pranks. In the second stage of defense we suggest a simple, harmless prank such as ding dong ditching. By doing this, your Karen will hopefully understand that they are not the alpha predator and that you mean business.
3. For the third line of defense, you have to get a little more serious. If the Karen hasn’t gotten the idea yet, be prepared because they will most likely be agitated after the small prank defense section. At this point, to defend you must attack. We suggest two options: TP their house or fork it. TP’ing is the act of throwing toilet paper everywhere around their property, where forking is taking small plastic forks and sticking them in their grass (we suggest about a thousand forks). Hopefully, after they are forced to clean their yard, they understand that they need to stop sucking and move on.
4. Next, we have the mockingbird effect. To use this defense, you must engage in karenseption. If the Karen starts yelling, you start yelling. If the Karen leaves you obnoxious notes, you leave obnoxious notes. We only suggest doing this sparingly. If you act as a Karen for too long, you could catch Karenitis.
5. This defense is where you either involve the authorities or hunker down and be prepared. If you’ve reached this defense, you have an omega level Karen. So in the war on Karens, you can either call the cops and let them handle that stupidity that is your Karen or (if you are brave) you can fight the good fight with rebellion. At this stage of rebellion, we suggest you do things like light a bag of dog poop on fire and leave it on their doorstep. Another option is the “potato in the tailpipe” trick. These defenses will now affect their lives, possibly causing them to be late to work and/or have dog poop on their feet. Either way, the Karen should get the message and know you mean business.
6. If rebellion doesn’t work, there’s always tactic number six. We call this one the sleep deprivation or the Rave defense. Karens value their sleep and usually go to sleep at 8 p.m. because they are boring freaks. Luckily enough, the people Karens target the most happen to be cool and have lots of friends. We suggest you throw parties as often as possible, have your friends park in front of their house, play loud music, and/or shine strobe lights in their general direction. Be prepared, they might enter your property. If that line is crossed, extreme defense is necessary.
7. The seventh line of defense is the last passive defense. We call this show the world your Karen sucks. To use this defense, record your Karen in the act; show the world their haggard and obnoxious face. This can include, but isn’t limited to, making TikTok’s and/or printing up flyers and posting them throughout the community, informing everyone of this Karen. Embarrass the raging lunatic that is your Karen at all cost. An extreme form of this is to inform the Karen’s employers of their actions (if they have so much time to bug you, they obviously aren’t doing their actual job).
8.At this point, the Karen has crossed a line and will stop at nothing to make your life hard, you must be prepared for everything. The eighth line of defense we call the no need to shower after an attack. We call it that for a reason. You will need to purchase a super soaker and any time you see the Karen, or she comes on your property, you spray her down. Show her you’ve had enough and her insolence will not be tolerated.
9. Loyal soldiers, if you’ve reached this point in the Karen war, it’s time to go full Macaulay Culkin on this person. We’re talking water balloons filled with mayonnaise left in the sun for a few days, purchasing stink bombs from your local joke store and setting them off in their driveway and near their house, sneaking weeks old rotten fish into their passenger seat so the smell never goes away, and fill that water gun up with the stinkiest thing you can find and fire away.
10. Tenth and final defense– your last resort. This Karen has fought the whole time, and since murder is not an option, the only thing you can do is get them arrested. We suggest filing restraining orders and reporting their illegal activity. We even suggest, if you see fit, hiring a realtor and selling their house.
In conclusion, brothers and sisters in arms, fighting against the demons sent to us from hell known as Karen’s… Above is your guide for how to fight off the greatest enemy mankind has ever seen. Be prepared, we do not see this crisis ending anytime soon. Keep the faith and down with the Karens!
