Freestyle Freak-show: Why the Coke Freestyle Machine is the Worst Way to Consume a Soft Drink
By Jex Mecham
It’s noon in Buena Vista. Having been in class for most of the morning, it’s time to eat lunch before a deep hanger sets in. But first, an important stop must be made. To get through the rest of my day, I’m going to need my caffeine fix. Accordingly, I make the trip down to the local Exxon in pursuit of an ice-cold cup of Dr. Pepper from the soda fountain. However, at this particular Exxon, as well as at many other gas stations and restaurants around the country, a disease is taking over the soda fountains of America — The Coke Freestyle machine.
Introduced in 2009, the Freestyle works as a touch-screen soda dispenser. The Freestyle differs from the average soda fountain in its limit of one nozzle, and multiple different flavor options for every drink available in the dispenser. Want a lime and orange-flavored Diet Coke? Freestyle can do it. However, in pursuit of a flavor renaissance, Coca-Cola created a carbonated beverage monstrosity. The same nozzle is used for every soda flavor, causing drinks to mix in unholy combinations concocted in the depths of flavor hell.
The abomination that is the Coke Freestyle has taken up residence in the local Exxon in BV, leaving a soda purist like myself in fountain drink purgatory. I must either get my Dr. Pepper fix from the spawn of soft-drink Satan, make my way 5 minutes up the road to the Hill Top Market by Food Lion, or trek 10–15 minutes away to one of the many gas stations in Lexington, including but not limited to: Sheetz, another Exxon, and Pit Stop (which was out of Dr. Pepper when I visited).
You may ask, “What’s so wrong with the Freestyle? It has so many options?”, or, “Isn’t this a trivial matter to be concerned with?” My response would be that in addition to the mixing of different beverages and flavors that all come out the same spout, the machine also fails at correctly dispensing syrup and soda water in the correct ratio to be palatable. The drink is either too sweet and not bubbly enough or too bland and so bubbly your throat feels that it’s been lit on fire. As for triviality, I can’t speak to that, but considering the amount of caffeine I’ve observed being consumed on campus, I’d say more people should be concerned with the chemical corruption going on at the community fueling station, which is perverting beloved beverages at an astounding rate.
Ultimately, the SVU community and Buena Vista as a whole are in a drought of acceptable beverage fountains, and no soulless soda dispenser can quench the thirst.
