Major Horoscopes: How SVU Students Will Act for the Last Month of School According to Their Major
By Curtis Stone
Everyone loves a good horoscope prediction, however wild or incorrect they may seem. What I believe is much more accurate than a star sign is what you declare as you major. This is a list of every major offered at SVU and exactly what they are going to do in the last month of school leading up to finals. Keep in mind that these are incredibly accurate predictions so don’t get scared if I guess exactly what your roommate will be doing.
Art/Design
Your art or design major roommate is going to spend this next month of school diving into the world of color. Most likely it’s not going to be fun for you. The sofa in the middle of the room? Your roommate doesn’t think it matches the walls and neither does your ‘Saturdays are for the Boys’ flag.
Biochemistry/Biology
Honestly, I feel bad for all my biochemistry and biology majors out there. If you don’t find them four hours deep in one of Dr. Vankuiken’s classic video lectures, then they are probably wandering aimlessly repeating the phrase “mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell” to themselves over and over again. Believe me, I’ve seen it and it’s not a pretty sight.
Business
If your business major roommate hasn’t tried to rope you into at least three pyramid schemes or cryptocurrencies yet this semester, it’s probably a sure sign they’re going to be changing majors pretty quickly. Otherwise, you can expect them to constantly be on the phone, calling every person they know to work solar with them this summer.
Computer Science
It’ll be a rare sight if you happen to see your computer science major outside of their bedroom in the next month. Most likely they’ll be hunkered down in their cave of solitude, only emerging when the deadly rays of sun are no longer around to hurt them. If you decide to take a look into their hibernation station, you will definitely find them blankly staring at a computer screen, a line of some type of code flashing in front of them.
English
You might catch your english major roommate reading everything they can get their hands on in the next few weeks. Books, pamphlets, cereal boxes, or even old instruction manuals. However, if they start to tell you about the grammatical complexities of the nutritional facts on your fruit snacks, RUN.
Family & Human Development
I wouldn’t bother your family & human development major roommate during this next month unless you absolutely have to. I mean, they have so many projects to do. Like finishing that coloring book they got and making sure they stayed inside the lines, or polishing up their hide and go seek skills, or even practicing their nap times. Either way, if you mess up their rhythm, you might get a tantrum, so best to avoid it.
History
Your history roommate in the next week is going to tell you about the origin of Thanksgiving without a doubt. It probably won’t be an interesting story either (I mean, maybe it is to them), but I don’t want to hear about how Chief Little Foot and a pilgrim named Clive finally accepted each other over some fish. However, after that whole Thanksgiving debacle, this roommate is going to remember absolutely nothing you tell them besides dates. They might have forgotten to take out the trash again, but at least they remembered the sixteen year anniversary of your mom’s first time trying sushi.
Liberal Arts
You should probably feel bad for your liberal arts roommate in general, but especially in this last month of school. You know why? It’s because at this point they’re figuring out that they really are wasting their major up to this point. I mean Indeed says their number one option for a job is a Daycare Teacher. I’m not kidding either. Or they could be a Refuse Collector. ..that means a garbage collector. So you really should take it easy on your roommate, cause they’re going to go through enough right after college anyway.
Mathematics
If you want to interact with your Mathematics roommate in the next month, I would recommend emailing them in binary code because all they are going to look at for the next month is numbers and graphs and more numbers. Heck while you’re at it, you might want to ask them to do some taxes for you. It’ll be quite the enjoyable break that they needed.
Music
I apologize to everyone with a music major roommate, especially the ones who say they are going to “make it big” sometime soon. You’ll most likely be listening to another terrible SoundCloud song recorded through a Walmart microphone at least once a week. You’ll definitely have to put your acting skills to the test if you want to tell them that you liked this new jazz cover of Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me” more than the phonk version they showed you last week.
Philosophy
When your philosophy roommate isn’t trying to convince you that their major has real world applications (it doesn’t), they are most likely going to be sitting around and staring into space. If you ask them what they are thinking about they’ll probably give you an answer like ‘pondering’ something they claim is the meaning of life. In reality, they’re probably sitting around thinking about the ethical implication of the ham sandwich they had for lunch or something else equally unimportant to their life.
Political Science
Since we live so close to Washington D.C., you probably won’t see your political science major roommate very much during the last month of school. They’ll be off trying to schmooze some politician to even be considered for an unpaid internship during the summer. Or maybe they’re going to sit in a courtroom for eight hours a day and watch the attorneys at work. Either way, you’ll have the house to yourself and some peace and quiet while you study for finals. That is until they come home and try and watch “Suits” for the sixteenth time this semester, only to realize that their job will never be that cool.
Psychology
If you catch your psychology roommate just staring at you for the next few weeks, don’t be alarmed. All they are doing is trying to diagnose you with absolutely anything they learned from their abnormal psych class this last semester. Throw in a few extra personalities to give them that extra help studying for the final.
Spanish
Yeah, you aren’t going to understand a word your roommate is going to say for the next month. Go ahead, try asking them to pass you the yellow cup. To them yellow is ‘hielo’ which is ice in Spanish. But ice sounds like eyes which to them are ‘ojos’ which is. . .you get my point. If you really need anything, just use Google Translate.
Theater
I’m really sorry if you live with a theater major. I don’t have a problem with the people specifically, but be prepared for music. A LOT of music. And they are going to be singing along as well. Phantom of the Opera, Oklahoma, Hamilton, and most definitely thirty other plays that you’ve never even heard of are going to be on in your house 24/7. And then comes the acting. I would recommend leaving the house when these episodes happen because once they start nobody knows when they stop. Your roommate becomes a completely different person (if they’re good) and doesn’t break character for even a second. So be prepared to live with a 1930s paperboy from Brooklyn, a 1700s soldier from the French Revolution, or maybe a tree next to the yellow brick road.
Good luck to everyone on campus in the next month, especially with finals coming up soon. Let me know if you disagree with any of my predictions for your roommates.
