Ineligible Bachelor of The Week: Max Archibald
By Matthew Rosson
Southern Virginia University, we’re back and better than *insert appropriate expletives here*. At The Herald, our goal is to be your Jenny, that one friend who has nothing good to say about that sleazebag you have goo-goo eyes for. We find the lowest of the low, the person who after just meeting them you’d say “Dear So and So, I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You’re the scum between my toes! Love, Single Girl ready to mingle.” After just seeing this person once, we knew it was our responsibility to warn you about this heartbreak waiting to happen. We bring you Max Archibald!
Max is a first semester freshman here at Southern Virginia. He is our resident Justin Bieber wannabe, equipped with a creepy mustache and those long locks that you know he has enough product to cut a new hole in the ozone layer. When Max isn’t trying to channel his inner Bieber, he moonlights as a rhinestone cowboy sporting those six hundred dollar bedazzled boots and a cowboy hat he got as a fashion statement and nothing else. Max originally came to Southern Virginia for track, which he got a lot of practice in because every girl he’s tried to talk to channels their inner Usain Bolt anytime he opens his mouth. Ladies, we bring you the worst of the worst that will make you wanna love yourself, Max.
Where are you from? (so we can avoid ever going there)
I’m from Raymond, Alberta, Canada — Okay, so the Justin Bieber similarities just keep adding up.
Why are you here at SVU?
Originally, I was here to run track. But, a week before I came I was recruited to play for the rugby team in the fall before track starts— It means since your here just for sports, school isn’t your strong suit buddy. #justaprettyface
Do you have a major?
I am undecided but currently majoring in business — How can you be undecided but also majoring in something? Make up your mind, indecisive much?
What’s the best part of SVU?
Cookout is only a couple miles away and people are always down to go for late-night runs — Yep, we can tell that freshman 15 is looking more like 25 the longer you’re here.
How tall are you?
Six foot — I think they measure height different in Canada because you’re definitely a hobbit, and remember it’s a real six foot or bust here at Southern Virginia.
What’s your favorite food?
My mum’s homemade pizza — This is either because your town is so small it’s even more middle of nowhere than Buena Vista, or the only person who would ever go get pizza with you was your mom and she preferred staying home rather than being seen in public with you.
What lies do you tell people to get them to talk to you?
1. I’m not Canadian — Im glad you can admit that no one should talk to Canadians
2. I have an amazing car that runs flawlessly — No one cares about your car man get over yourself
3. I will never look like my brother Brandon… The athletic trainer here — This isn’t a lie, you’re ugly and he isn’t.
Name 3 of your red flags?
1. I’m Canadian- Again on behalf of America, thank you for admitting y’all are maple syrup, moose loving, Robin Sparkles listening weirdos.
2. I can’t flirt — This is true, but not for lack of trying. I saw this man try to flirt with a wall after our interview.
3. I’m both blind and color blind — Why can’t you share your blindness with us so we’d never have to see you?
How often do you shower?
Once in the morning and after practice — Yep, we all know you have to use all that product you buy weekly for your hair. #justaprettyface
What is your biggest fear?
Spiders, frickin spiders man — To not offend many readers, I will not come on how your fear of spiders makes you a weak, spineless, man. Grow up and do better!
How often are your parents disappointed in you?
All the time, I’m far from home and I’m playing rugby instead of focusing on track — And you haven’t married someone for a green card yet so you’re a financial burden as well.
How many times have you been ghosted?
Too many times to count, hopefully that changes one day — It won’t, no one wants to talk to you.
What is a bad habit you have?
I procrastinate way too much and get distracted easily — Just like you’ve been procrastinating on asking your girlfriend to marry you!
You guessed it folks, our Canadian disappointment and current president of the Justin Bieber impersonators club is not just ineligible because he’s generally undesirable. But, he also has a girlfriend, even though if you breathe he’s probably flirted with you. Consider it a bullet dodged by the single ladies of Southern Virginia. Y’all can avoid the beauty routine longer than the average supermodel, or the fact that every other word is “Eh” and finally you won’t have to move to the 51st state of north Montana. So, here’s to the girl that took this incredibly hopeless man off the market. Let’s hope she says yes so that no girls will ever have to put up with him.
