Ineligible Bachelor of The Week: Patrick Davison

He’s absolutely not what you want in your life ever!

How’s it going, Southern Virginia University? Here at The Herald, we believe in balance of all things. We’ve tried to help out our independent, relationship-lacking part of the student body by highlighting some of the most eligible individuals on campus. To keep it balanced and fair, we felt the urge to highlight those that none of you should date. The Cheese Touch of Southern Virgina University. Consider this your warning to stay away.

Today, we bring you the one, the only, Patrick Davison (‘23). You might have seen him around, sporting the half grown man bun, trying his best to be a combination between a “Chad” and your hipster neighbor who brews kombucha in his dorm room toilet. Whether you see him with his Esport buddies discussing if Fortnite is an appropriate substitute for human love and affection, or in the IT office with his fellow cave dwellers avoiding social interaction and basic communication skills, you are bound to have seen him once. Southern Virginia University, we bring you the longboard crash waiting to happen . . . Patrick.

Where are you from?

“Bristol Vermont, a town smaller than B.V..”

Why are you here at Southern Virginia University?

“Honestly? Because it isn’t B.Y.U..”

So what you’re saying is you didn’t get into B.Y.U.

Do you have a major (or are you a failure)?

“I’m a business major.”

Let’s be real . . . you’re still a failure.

What’s the best part of Southern Virginia University ?

“The community. It’s really amazing to see a focused and kind group of amazing students devoted to learning.”

Bro you have like two friends — what community?

How tall are you?

“5’9.””

Not good enough, buddy. It’s 6 foot or bust for the ladies here.

What is your favorite food?

“Either Eggs Benedict or Pad Thai.”

Not only is he a nerd, he’s pretentious too.

What lies do you tell people to get them to talk to you?

“I like to tell people I am a good cook, when in reality I can’t cook to save my life.”

Yeah, that’s why you have a meal plan even though you live off campus.

Name three of your red flags.

1. “I can’t stand people who are ignorant and refuse to learn”

Again, pretentious, but let’s add judgy too.

2. “I can’t do silence 24/7; I need to have conversations with someone who is talkative.”

Who do you have to talk to?

3. “They’ve gotta have a sense of humor”

I don’t know how this is a red flag . . . Does someone have to make up for your lack of personality?

How often do you shower ?

“Every day!”

Either this is a lie or you need new soap.

What is your biggest fear?

My biggest real fear is falling, not heights. It’s not being up high that is sketchy, but really the thought of falling a great distance because there is nothing you can do about it. Unrealistically, I’m afraid of being alone forever, but now I don’t have to worry about that because . . . I’m married.

Yes reader, Patrick is actually married! Patrick is a personal friend of mine, and got married this past year. This is the true reason he is one of Southern Virginia’s most ineligible. The old saying, “just because there is a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t score,” only applies if there isn’t a ring on that finger. So, Southern Virginia University, now you know stay away from Patrick. He’s off the board. So, if everything we listed wasn’t a turn off, now you know that you have no chance because this man is about as ineligible as all those six year seniors our football team produces.