Ineligible Bachelor of the Week: Will Dryden
By Matthew Rosson
Hello loyal readers of The Herald! With our combination of a Comedy Central roast and a Netflix serial killer documentary, we hope to not just warn you, but to also make you laugh at the repugnant revolting ruffians (anyone brave enough to say that three times fast gets a gold star) that Southern Virginia University has to offer. With this next Southern Virginia’s stupidest or laziest … I mean most ineligible bachelors, we bring you a real conundrum of a man. We’re really reaching for the bottom of that monkey barrel that is the Southern Virginia dating pool. Be warned, this is one person you don’t want to share that sweater weather with!
This go around, we bring you the Tyrion Lannister of the Dryden family (Southern Virginia Royalty). The one, and incredibly odd, William Dryden. Will is the black sheep and general odd ball of a highly successful and athletic family. He is without a doubt their greatest disappointment. If you’ve attended Southern Virginia for any amount of time, you’ve seen Will (not because he’s special or good looking, but because he is the definition of an attention seeking loon). I mean, the man ran around stage during a Southern Virginia talent show shirtless because the only way he could get people to laugh at his jokes was if they saw his lack of chest hair #manbaby. To add insult to injury, Will is also the model specimen for a creepy conspiracy theory uncle who cans his own urine being equipped with wacky opinions like all British people are terrible, way too long hair he grows to upset his mom, and a beard you know he only has because beards are the gray sweatpants for your face. Southern Virginia, we bring you the man who will probably never leave this place, Will Dryden.
Where are you from?
Buena Vista, VA — You’re the reason for the grumpy old men, aren’t you?
Why are you here at Southern Virginia?
Free tuition? In this economy?? What a deal — Also because the only way you could get into college was mommy pulling the strings.
Do you have a major?
Yeah, two of them even: design and English — So you’re going to be unemployed in two fields!
What’s the best part of Southern Virginia?
I can literally do what I want and get college credit for it. I have successfully scammed 9 credits out of one class alone. They let me spend a whole month making a 40-minute long video about Harry Potter — Anyone else hearing super super senior get a life, get a job and get out of here!
How tall are you?
5’7” (the objectively perfect height) — As we’ve said before six-foot or bust. Your opinion is wrong you loon.
What’s your favorite food?
The House Special at Don Tequila’s. Please go try it and then give me a good tip — Good tips are for good service and anyone who’s had you as a waiter knows you’re only worth a penny.
What lies do you tell people to get them to talk to you?
Many people don’t know this, but I have actually never done anything in my life. I make up all the interesting stories I tell people. Also, I shamelessly steal jokes — A compulsive liar as well, what an absolute failure of a person.
What are 3 of your red flags?
Narcissism, desperate need for attention (I am a middle child), and gaslighting is my favorite hobby- Your life must be more terrible than a narcissist that is basically invisible.
How often do you shower?
Every time I get sweaty (constantly) — That explains the smell of onions in Shrek’s swamp.
What is your biggest fear?
People finding out that I steal my jokes — We all know, trust me… we know.
How often are your parents disappointed in you?
Every time I make a new video — Maybe you should stop making videos then!
How many times have you been ghosted?
Like, twice I think. I don’t know, I suppress those memories — Twice out of the two times you actually got a girl to talk to you.
What is a bad habit you have?
Gaslighting my wife — As you might have guessed, he’s married.
Will Dryden is our local camera guru and all around good guy. This past year, Will married Kamila Fuentes in an alliance brokered between their families to bring two Southern Virginia Houses together. With this marriage, Will is obviously off the table. So, if we didn’t put the fear of God in you already, just avoid Will at all cost because our man is committed!
