The Herald
Published in

The Herald

You Don’t Want To Go To Hogwarts

By Will Dryden

Hogwarts, an enormous castle at night.
Murder School

Look, I get it. Ever since you were a kid, you’ve wanted to go to magic school. You read Harry Potter and thought, “wow, yes, now THAT is the life for me.” You waited and waited and were immensely disappointed that no owl showed up on your eleventh birthday.

Well, I’m here to tell you that owl showing up would have absolutely ruined your life. If I were to write out all the ways Hogwarts would traumatize, maim, or kill you, we’d be here all day. So here’s a video instead.




The Southern Virginia University Newspaper. Students can submit stories to be considered for publication by emailing

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William Dryden

William Dryden

Junior, English major, Clown Afficionado

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