Our Goal is Harmony: Conflict Resolution
By Jared Smith
Despite our incredible ability to cooperate, we humans frequently withhold ourselves from doing great things together because we won’t resolve conflicts.
Our goal is harmony with each other. Most of us have heard of the term “synergy,” it describes the exponential increase in output that occurs when people unite themselves to accomplish some goal. In economics, we might call it the impressive results of specialization. So why would we ever withhold ourselves from these results? Conflict.
Conflict is a disagreement or argument, and conflict is important, in fact, it is good. But why would it be good? Let me give an example. The Wright Brothers made a monumental contribution to society when they invented flight, however, they didn’t accomplish this without numberless arguments and disagreements. Wilber and Orville would discuss their disagreements with each other very frequently. They were never shy about them, but they never let their conflicts make them enemies. This was key to their success. If they did not have an open channel wherein they could try their ideas against each other's opinions, it is likely that I wouldn’t be able to hop on a Southwest flight to Arizona like I can today.
So, conflict is good and important. It’s also important to recognize that not all conflict is worth addressing. However, many conflicts are worth addressing; addressing a conflict takes courage, and it can be a taxing activity.
How then, can a conflict be less taxing and less difficult? Most of us have come from some conflicts and are determined to never attempt resolving conflict again because of the negative outcomes. There are three important principles I will share about conflict resolution:
- Effective listening — Dropping your defenses
- Understanding — Prove you understood
- Being understood — Calm, respectful, and avoiding accusations
- Negotiating safely — Our goal is peace, not domination
Effective Listening
Most of us are terrible listeners. When someone comes to us with a complaint we go into defense mode. Instead of trying to understand them, the first thing that comes to our mind is how we can respond or defend ourselves from their unjust accusations. Truth is, they might have unjust accusations, but the other truth is that we still aren’t listening. Good listening is difficult, to listen well we have to drop our defenses and listen to understand. Stephen Covey talks about this in his 7 Habits, at first, the goal isn’t to be understood, it is to listen to them to understand them. The goal of this step is to put yourself in their shoes and empathetically and logically understand what they are communicating. It takes guts for someone to open a conflict; respect their courage by showing a willingness to listen.
Understand
Now comes the hard part. You’ve got to prove to the person you were listening to that you actually understood what they said, both empathetically and logically. Ask questions to confirm understanding. Avoid restating everything they said verbatim, and rather try to summarize what you understood about the way they are feeling and the things that mattered to them. For example, if my co-worker spoke with me about how she was frustrated at how long it took me to respond to emails, I might respond in this manner to make sure I understood:
Thank you for talking to me about your frustration. From what I understand, you have felt frustrated and stressed when you are not able to get important information in a timely way, and you’ve had multiple instances where not getting information from me in time cost you and was an embarrassment even though it wasn’t your fault. In fact, this last week it earned you a scolding from your supervisor that was completely unwarranted. I can understand why this has been frustrating. Was there anything that I missed or you felt like I haven’t understood?
Challenging The Paradigm — Changing Positions
If my coworker felt I understood her well, I can now proceed to make myself understood. Now before you think, my turn to debate! I want to challenge a common paradigm about conflict. Recognize that in this situation I just took the time to listen to my coworker, understand how she was feeling, and consider her ideas. In this situation, after listening to her, my new position should be different from my original position. If I understood her and recognized that she was suffering because of something I was doing, my position should not be to just keep failing to respond in time because I am so busy, my position should be to find a way to help her because I genuinely care about her plight.
Recognize that not every conflict can result in a resolution the way each party wants. Perhaps my bandwidth is such that I cannot respond to emails more quickly, but I can try to find a way to improve my response time or to help shield my co-worker from criticism when she can’t get something more quickly. Many conflicts can be resolved simply by coming to an understanding. Even if we cannot obtain the desired result, we can at least show that we care about the thoughts and opinions of the other person. This builds unity and harmony, even if outcomes are still not completely desirable.
Being Understood
After understanding, you get a turn to make yourself understood. If you listened to understand, you can ask them to listen to understand you. This is often done imperfectly, but you have good chances of being understood if you use a calm tone, speak respectfully of others with understanding, and avoid accusations or attacks. Accusations are particularly damaging in conversations. Rather than assuming intent, it is better to explain your experience and how you have been affected by your actions. To make an accusation about intent is unfair since you cannot know their intent if they have not told it to you explicitly.
Negotiating Safely
This is the last step, that comes with the most flexibility in timeline and form. The first three steps create the safety necessary for negotiations to occur in an open and productive way. By listening and seeking to understand and then to be understood, we pull down our walls and create a vulnerability that can spark genuine negotiations.
Negotiations are the place where solutions are discussed, brainstorming occurs, and both sides try to come to a resolution where they feel satisfied. Negotiation takes practice, but it should be approached with the intent to create a win/win agreement. Negotiating with the intent of dominating only taxes a relationship. It is disrespectful to the person you are negotiating with because it implies that your needs or desires are superior and of far greater importance than theirs.
A Recap
Conflict is good. It should be viewed as an opportunity for improvement — both improvement of relationships and improvement of ideas. It takes courage to enter a conflict, but it is necessary.
Conflict is far more likely to be resolved productively if both parties
- Listen — While dropping defenses + empathizing
- Understand — Proving their understanding of each other
- Seek to be Understood — Calmly, respectfully, and without accusations
- Negotiate — In an open manner, seeking a win/win agreement
Whether we like it or not, conflict is part of our reality. Running away from conflict can cause considerable damage to relationships and can trap us in loops of ignorance about ourselves and our interactions with others. Respect the conflicts that others bring to you and have the courage to open up your important conflicts for discussion. After all, if you really care about someone, you will enter the conflict to create safety and understanding.
