Tamales Are Terrible
By Rico Diego
Yup, I said it and it had to be said. Tamales are not good. They are in fact the most boring plate that can be offered. There are so many better hispanic dishes that we should be focusing on instead. But before you stop and leave, hear me out.
I know what you’re thinking? ¡Ya basta con estos gringos! Pero mira un Mexican-American wrote this himself. My parents immigrated here to the United States back in the 1980s and brought some flavor to this melting pot. They met in Los Angeles, got married, had a happy family and of course introduced tamales into my life. I ate so many of them my mom nicknamed me “gordito.” Mira, I’ve been making them since I was five years old — back when I was only a foot shorter. With my childhood making them from scratch and selling them, I believe I am more than well qualified in the world of tamales. Tamales are just not good. Like, have you ever had a pupusa? That’s a thousand times better!
Pero don’t tell mi mama she’s gonna hit me with the chancla if she reads this.
The reason being is that tamales are incredibly easy to mess up. If you don’t get the masa right — boom — you are in for a world of sadness. Since I made them as a kid, I know what a good tamale tastes like and honestly they are hard to come by. People mess up the masa more than people would realize,and it’s so bland. Not to mention the meat can dry out as well. Tamales need to be moist and juicy — not a crusty, crumbly Popeyes’ biscuit. Not to mention if you are looking for a quick lunch, forget about it!
Tamales take hours to make! Look, when I want food I don’t want to take 3–5 business days just for a small tamale. In the time it takes to make tamales, I could have made a bunch of tacos. Heck, I could have made pupusas! They take forever to make, and it’s practically rocket science.
If you cook them too long, they’re dry. Not long enough, they’re still mushy! All the time and energy put in for something so small and not worth the effort.
Devin Campbell, a Sophomore said,
“They have way too much masa for me, and not enough meat.”
Quinn Richards, a Freshman said,
“Honestly man, they suck. I think they are overhyped.”
As a kid growing up, of course I loved them, but that’s because I made them! I never realized just how long they took to make and, while they taste alright, there are so many better alternatives! First off tacos, tacos de lengua, tacos de al pastor, tacos de birria, and tacos de carne asada. If that’s not enough, no worries! There are pupusas, arepas, tortas, ceviche, elote, and enchiladas. The best part about these dishes is that they are customizable and everyone can eat them! If you are vegan or vegetarian, you can make them to your liking without having to change the recipe.
My personal favorite are pupusas. These are some of God’s greatest gifts to our taste buds that do not get enough attention. The same corn meal that is used to make the tamales is used. The best way I can describe this if you’ve never heard of one is think of a heavenly meat filled corn pancake and you can top with salsa and a pickled cabbage. You cannot do that with tamales. If you get one or two and they’re bad, that’s it! You can’t add extra salsa, or toppings. Pupusas get you your money’s worth since they are often so big, and you can add toppings to help amplify the delicious taste.
If you like tamales, I think you haven’t been exposed to the incredibly diverse world of Hispanic food because there are so many better alternatives. The alternatives not only taste better, but are healthier, easier to make, and customizable, whereas tamales are an extensive, tedious project that excludes those with dietary restrictions. To be honest, tamales are not even that great at the end of the day.
What do you think? Do you agree or disagree? If you think tamales are great, make them and then talk to me.
