You Should Watch Columbo With Your Grandpa
By Will Dryden
Think about the smarmiest, smuggest person you’ve ever met. Just the most self-righteous jerk with the most punchable face. Now imagine them committing a murder — shouldn’t be too hard. They cover their tracks, make an alibi, and have all their bases covered. There is no way they’re ever getting caught… It’s the perfect crime.
Now, imagine that they’re almost immediately caught and arrested by your grandpa… That’s Columbo.
Columbo is an American murder mystery detective series, starring Peter Falk (who you probably know as the grandpa from The Princess Bride). The first episode came out in 1971, directed by a new 22-year-old kid named Steven Spielberg.
Columbo is TV comfort food. You always know what you’re going to get, and if you like it, it’ll never get old. Every episode starts with an “elite” individual (doctor, famous person, etc.) committing a murder. Viewers are shown the buildup, the motive, the execution, the coverup, everything. Then, usually about fifteen minutes into the episode, a man-shaped pile of dirty laundry comes on screen; Columbo. He wanders around the scene for a while, always looking out of place in his big shabby wrinkly raincoat. Inevitably, after Clumbo appears, several things start to raise suspicions, suggesting that maybe the case isn’t as closed as it looks.
Then, with all the pieces in place, the main course of the episode begins; the part where Columbo annoys the killer into incriminating themselves. He never tries to be annoying, far from it. In every interaction, he’s just a friendly old rambling detective. He’ll start a friendly conversation with them, apologize for bothering them, get sidetracked by a story about his perpetually-offscreen wife, and realize he forgot his pencil and ask to borrow one. Then, still wandering around distractedly, he pokes holes in every single part of the killer’s supposedly airtight alibi.
Quite frequently, the stories are impressively thorough. You’re left wondering how in the world Columbo is going to find a way to catch this guy. However, every possible piece of evidence seems to be completely destroyed by the end of the episode. Slowly, but surely, the turtle beats the hare, and Columbo catches the killer.
While Sherlock Holmes is a genius, solving cases through forensic science and a genius intellect, Lieutenant Colombo never comes across as the smartest guy in the room (just the one that pays the most attention). He’s the kind of guy who would do terrible on a timed test, but could eventually solve just about any real-world problem. He takes his time, follows every lead, and gets to the bottom of every inconsistency in the killer’s story.
I’ve found that Columbo is best enjoyed with a spouse over dinner on the couch. If you enjoyed any of the clips above, odds are you’ll like it. So go log in to your dad’s Amazon Prime account and watch an episode. I recommend “A Stitch in Crime”, starring Leonard Nimoy as an ambitious surgeon, or “Any Old Port in a Storm”, starring a pre-Halloween Donald Pleasance.
Oh, and just one more thing —
