Catharsis
Its no longer pain that hurts. Pain is easy. Pain can be felt. Anything that is corporeal enough to be felt is not terrifying for me anymore. Pain isnt a mystery. Pain is detailed and documented. Fear is however a mystery. Fear appears to be phantom. Fear appears to be untethered to logic, an intangible concept , a beast that strikes from the shadow and that which keeps its ammunition concealed.
What just hit me and from where?.
Happiness , sadness, depression appear to be material. In a way you can touch them and feel them. They have a character and a personality. You can be happy if you buy a new car or sad if a beloved dies. All these emotions are rooted in reality.
But fear is an open ended demonic entity that comes from no where and takes you with it. It takes you perhaps to its den. When gripped by fear , the only tangible realization you can have is of an eerie disturbance. You can be sure that something is amiss, that doom lurks nearby. The origins however are inconspicuously tailored to make your experience the kind you would gladly get your throat slit for.
How do you proceed to quantify it ?. To name it and pour it down in a beaker and analyze this fiend.
Do we have any qualifier for fear?. Can we attach an adjective on it. Is scared and terrifying pointing to the same amount of this possession?. Or does it fluctuate thereby making a scared individual able enough to go about the day but the terrified one locked up on the bed too afraid to put the foot down?.
Does what scares me terrify the other?.
Fear dictates a brash logic reversal. In absence of fear if you see a blue sky and hear waves splashing on your toes, it will be just that.
In presence however you could be seeing one thing and believing in another. You would be seeing a car halting a few meters ahead in front of you but would have an indelible belief that you will bash your skull onto the steering and die as you fail to brake.
In moments of possession the reality fuses with the illusion and separating the two is futile and fickle. There is absolutely no difference between the two. Then only entropy snatches exclusive control until the possessed is grovelling for a surgical removal of the goat.
Fear takes one over ingratiatingly. In return it wants my unquestionable obedience. This transaction is automatic and self sustaining. Its an unfair deal in which only one of the signatories goes home with all.
If only I could decipher its liar. The place it breeds and plans from. I would steal a tank and nuke its den into ruins.
From the small traces of intelligence I believe however that this is not how I would achieve salvation. This wont be my catharsis. Fear is airborne and everywhere and there might be huge concentrations of it in a highly radioactive zone but then destroying it would only result in it gathering its presence from other parts of the realm and make me claw out the flesh of my skin.
The last resort is to transmute into the spiritual bacteria fear itself is constructed from. This should result in making fear fear itself. This paradoxical nonsense has some footing albeit a weak one.
Attempt to scare fear itself.
Today is day zero for this ethereal vaccine trial.
