A Suggested Disney Movie Script for Planned Parenthood

A princess in a far away kingdom breaks her vow of celibacy with a local peasant boy one fateful night.

When she discovers she’s pregnant, she flees and becomes an undocumented immigrant in a neighboring kingdom that forgot to build a wall. While there, she gets an abortion. Desperate to find work and support herself, she decides to join a local forge. The blacksmith only hires males, so the princess disguises herself as a man and gets the job (so Mulan basically).

As a blacksmith’s apprentice, she starts growing muscles and stares in the mirror at night, wishing she were a “real boy” (Pinocchio pretty much). She begins to fall in love with the blacksmith’s daughter, and when the daughter finally learns to love the princess back, a local enchantress casts a spell and transforms the princess from beauty to beast (no dancing forks in this one!). Devastated, the princess yells at the enchantress, “I said BOY, not BEAST!” The enchantress shrugs it off, and replies, “maybe it’s time to think about animal rights?” (Is all dogs go to heaven Disney?)

The film is never released. The film actors guild, having found gross labor violations during the production of the movie, blacklists the director. Too bad he wasn’t actually a union worker.