How to throw your Election Night Party
It’s finally here.
As the unwashed masses cast their final votes, it’s time to join the only undefeated party — the Election Night Party.
The most important thing about throwing your election party is to be all-inclusive and open-minded. With these step-by-step instructions, we’ll show you how to really get this party started!
-Step 1: Remix your sample size
While it can be tempting to keep the group small and like-minded, we recommend branching out your guest list. Your schadenfreude can’t reach its final form without friends who “endearingly” hold different political viewpoints
-Step 2: Topical Humor Never Gets Old
“What happened to those pizza rolls Dave?”
“They’re all gone…just like Hillary’s emails!!”
-Step 3: Be Unreasonably Invested in Down-Ballot Races
Casual politicos might have read some hot takes from their favorite squawkers on Fox and MSNBC, but you’re no amateur. No, you’ve been following ALL the races.
Is someone wondering whether Rep. Pat O’Hoolihan in TX-27 heads into election night with the advantage based on his “GOTV” operation? HOPE SO!
Impress your stupid friends with fancy words like “gerrymandering” or “weight of messaging.” Maybe even explain to Dave that, no, you can’t win a state like Florida with just “hard dollars.” Dave is a moron.
-Step 4: Flex those policy muscles!
Show your guests that you’re high-minded and issue-oriented. Also, apparently girls think nerds are cute now, so maybe Stacie will look your way if you explain how some guy named “Todd Frank” popped the housing bubble by making securities and exchanges, which gave us Obamacare. Women love a wonk!
-Step 5: Make sure your play list is “rigged.”
Don’t leave anything to chance, make sure you have a set play list with a lock screen so Steve from Apt. 406 doesn’t try to put on his garbage Adele mix when everyone’s enjoying “Born in the USA” on repeat. This is an AMERICAN election Steve!
-Step 6: Give your appetizers some clever candidate names
Can I interest you in some Chips and Marco-mole? I made it in my Jeb! Guaca Bowle!
Or maybe you’d prefer to dip your little Anthony Weiner in some Huckabeans and Cheese?
-Step 7: Get into an argument and win
The early polling results haven’t even come in yet, but your candidate’s hype train has no stops. At this point, you consider the Electoral College a safety school. What better way to assert your dominance than by picking out the easiest target at your party?
-Step 8: The Gap to Victory Widens. Choose your scapegoat early.
Things are starting to look grim. As those swing states inch away, you begin to brainstorm your scapegoat:
· Option A: Immigrants
· Option B: The Establishment
· Option C: Something called “The Patriarchy” (?)
· Option D: Rogue Lincoln Chafee Voters
-Step 9: Your Candidate’s Demise is Imminent. Pivot to personal insults.
While your candidate is starting to write their concession speech, it’s best to avoid the empty threats of moving to a different country. Upgrade your self-loathing by taking out your insecurities on an unsuspecting party guest.
“Oh! You’re the Director of Marketing and Synergy at a no-name nonprofit? I’m sure you know EVERYTHING about voter turnout Dave!”
-Step 10: Claim that you were a Libertarian all along
Ok, so maybe Gary Johnson thinks Aleppo is a dog food brand, but at least he gets to take all the safe positions. Plus, everyone’s happy because they’re high and not paying taxes.
